Episode 30 - I Don't Deserve It

Forty-four years of my life have passed.. during which I have experienced the blessings of Allah, the Exalted, His gentleness, His generosity, His covering, and His mercy.. beyond what words can express.. There is no affliction I have endured except that the Merciful deals with me gently in it, nor does He burden me with what I cannot bear, but rather He makes me feel His closeness and companionship, and places great goodness in the folds of the affliction for my religion, the comfort of my heart, and my worldly life..

Sometimes my eyes would well up as I was in the midst of my trials, and I would say: (What have I done to deserve this?!), (Why me, O Lord?!), (By Allah, O Lord, I don't deserve it).. I mean: What have I done to receive these graces from the mercy of my Lord?! Why does my Lord bestow such blessings upon me?! I don't deserve this favor, by Allah, I don't deserve it.

And doubts would cross my mind that this favor might be a trap, and that one day I would be "punished" for the accumulation of my shortcomings and stripped of these blessings to return to my true size as a human who does not deserve the generosity of his Lord, and lose the feeling of being favored by Him, glorified be He. But the day of the crushing punishment did not come, rather renewed kindness and generosity abound, and the favor increases! And if an affliction comes, it comes with patience and gentleness.

Rather, I realized that my imbalanced fear that the favor might be a trap was poor conduct towards my Lord, the Exalted, for dealing with His guidance as if it were "poison" spoils the position of gratitude.. So I praise Him, the Exalted, for not dealing with me according to my bad assumption!

Fear of Allah is required, but with a love for Allah that fills the heart of the servant.. required, but to drive you to rectify your affairs, not to spoil His blessings upon you and prevent you from reaching the position of gratitude.

I have often wondered:

(I don't deserve all this kindness from Allah!!), as if I hear the answer: (True, you don't deserve it.. but He is more generous than to limit His generosity to you) - (My deeds are few and do not match Allah's blessing upon me!) - (True, but you are dealing with the Most Generous, the Grateful, the Exalted).

- (But there are those I consider better than me, so why me?) - (It's not your concern-"not your business"-, that is a favor Allah bestows upon whom He wills. He gives them and you from His favor and wrongs no one)

- ("Not my business", okay.. but what is my business then? How do I express my gratitude to my Lord and continue His blessings?) - (Pour upon people the meanings of love and good opinion of Allah that you live (and do good as Allah has done good to you), and tell them about a Lord who is kind, forbearing, generous, and merciful {And as for the favor of your Lord, then narrate 11} [Ad-Dhuha: 11], and be among the grateful).