Why Do Our Hearts Harden After Commitment?

How many of us say to ourselves: When I committed, my soul found its joy, the flame of revelation touched the pure essence of nature, and it was the light that illuminated my heart. The first tear with the recitation of the Quran, the first Umrah journey, the first night I stand in prayer for Allah...I found the self I had long searched for in the depths of my being! These things meant so much to me. My map was: "I", and "I" would drink from the spring of life every day after years of neglect, feeling refreshed, comfort, and longing... Then..."I" realized that I am part of the Islamic nation, so my eyes opened to the tragedies of the nation! Here, the emotion and life of the heart reached their peak! I began to feel for all my brothers and sisters on earth, full of love and compassion for my imprisoned and suffering brothers, jealousy for the sanctity of my sisters who are violated, and tenderness for the displaced children. My map became the "nation"...My ambitions: to save the nation...Nothing will quench my thirst but that! And despite the pain, I was in those days at the peak of the life of the heart and its tenderness and the height of its ambition and the burning of its hope. But, slowly...the dangerous transformation happened! I did not find a roadmap for the great goal (saving the nation)..or perhaps I found it but my soul was not yet ready to walk it. Here...I got stuck in the middle! I did not save the nation, nor did I remain in the state of tranquility and happiness that I tasted at the beginning of my commitment! What meant so much to me yesterday no longer means anything to me! Because it does not lead to the great goal (saving the nation) in my view...Well, does it not serve my soul and its purification? Yes, but my map is no longer myself, but my map now is the "nation". My slogan became: (so what?)! "What does it mean?", "All this does not help"...Because everything that used to delight me yesterday does not lead to "saving the nation". My eyes almost tear up with the Quran or with a story I hear, I almost rejoice because I –finally- will cry again!...But a voice attacks me: "What does it mean?!" And if I cry...I will free Palestine! So my tears are held back. In my prayer, I want to gather my strength to be humble...humble?! And then what if I am humble? - I perform my prayer in the best way! - Does Allah accept you when you have failed to support the nation? You run away from your real duty and try to convince yourself that what is required of you is humility in prayer! And what good will your humility do for your brothers who are under fire in Gaza?! - So I surrender, and I feel like a "fake", and the attempt at humility is lost. - Even in the joys of daily life...My daughter came to me smiling with the sparkle of childhood in her eyes, happy because she got a perfect score in a subject she struggled with...I encourage her with indifference while I tell myself: so what?! What does this grade matter when Muslim children in Burma are being killed and tortured?! I even began to despise the efforts of others! A preacher tells an affecting story and people interact with it in the comments, so I comment: (May Allah reward you, O Sheikh, but you are in one valley and the Muslims are in another!...You talk about noble morals while women in Syria are being raped?!)...Another addresses a doubt so that people may meet their Lord with a pure heart for His Sharia, so I comment: (All this does not help! Unless Islam has power and rule, the doubts will continue to be raised and the enemies' tools will demolish what we build)! As if I have become a demolition tool myself and I do not feel it?! In short, I have lost "myself", and I have not saved "the nation"! Well, what is the solution? Do I go back to myself and forget my nation? And is that allowed for me? This was a diagnosis of what happens to many of us...A confession of the inner voice we hear from the depths of our being. And diagnosis is half the cure. We will complete the other half in a coming word, God willing.