Episode 10 - Women and the Search for Self

Peace be upon you.

We come to her while she is on the move, as usual every day. • Where are you going, young lady? • To the university, then to work, to the job market, to the media. • What do you want from all this? • I want to prove myself. • Prove yourself to whom? • To myself, so that I can respect myself! • How? • By succeeding in my studies and work. • What will you prove to yourself by doing that? • That I am not inferior to my peers in intelligence, nor in determination nor productivity.

The Search for Self: Society's Standards or God's Standards?

People's Standards and Self-Evaluation

Good, and who said that these are the correct standards for evaluating your success as a woman? Who said that productivity is productivity in professional and career work? • These are the standards that people deal with. • Then, you are proving yourself to people according to their standards! • Hmm, my view of myself will be affected - against my will - by people's view of me.

Are you really successful and strong if you make your view of yourself dependent on people's view of you, and their evaluation of your success? Are you betting your happiness on achieving success according to the standards that people impose? Are people the ones who have the right to determine when you are successful and when you are a failure? Are their standards the absolute truth that preoccupies you with them?

What if their standards change - and they actually do change from time to time - will you try to achieve success according to their new standards? Are you ensuring psychological stability that way? Good, what if you do not prove to them that you are successful according to their standards? • I will feel like a failure.

Good, and if you are intelligent and determined, but society has wronged you, the appointment system has wronged you, someone else was chosen for the job because she is more beautiful than you, not because she is more competent, will you feel like a failure? Why are you betting your life on people's view of you? Is the goal of your life people's view of you? Or have you asked yourself what your goal in life is? Have you thought about: who are you? Why are you here in this life? What do you want?

If you determine your goal, then proving yourself and searching for your identity will come automatically; because you will find it in achieving your goal. You - as a Muslim woman - do you not have goals that distinguish you from others? • But I want to achieve myself in a way that does not contradict my religion, so I go out to the fields of study and work while I am committed to my hijab.

Critiquing the Concept of "Islamizing" Imported Concepts

This approach is a superficial Islamization of an imported concept, as if it were an external stamp without looking into the roots of the idea itself. The issue is not what you wear primarily, but the motivation that drives you to this work, and your values and standards by which you evaluate things.

Achieving the self in the West is based on their view of life, the individualistic view that disregards God and what He has determined for people in terms of goals and roles in this life, and does not take into account the Hereafter. It is connected to their social and cultural context, connected to their definition - they - of happiness and success.

As for us, we are a nation with our own goals and standards, and we have our own values, definitions, and view of the universe and life. So, I do not achieve myself away from achieving the purpose of my existence, "Say, 'Indeed, my prayer, my rites of sacrifice, my living and my dying are for Allah, Lord of the worlds.'" [Al-An'am: 162]; for all my life is worship, and I strive to achieve my success in this servitude to Him, and I am fully convinced that it includes my happiness and success; for I believe in the promise of Allah the Almighty who says: "Whoever does righteousness, whether male or female, while he is a believer - We will surely cause him to live a good life, and We will surely give them their reward [in the Hereafter] according to the best of what they used to do." [An-Nahl: 97].

In contrast to the Western concept that has deified man and his desires, and turned away from servitude, the words of Allah the Almighty apply to him: "And whoever turns away from My remembrance - indeed, he will have a stricken life." [Ta-Ha: 124].

Did not your Creator - glorified be He - whom you believe in, determine ultimate goals, and say: "And in that let the competitors compete." [Al-Mutaffifin: 26], and gave you the map of the path to these goals? So, who has the right after that to determine the standards of success and priorities: people or the Lord of people? He who created you and created them, provided for you and provided for them, in whose hand is your happiness and their happiness, your misery and their misery, and to whom is your return and their return.

What if people's standards are corrupt, and you do not achieve success in their eyes except by angering the Lord of people? On the other hand, if you are successful and pleasing to the Lord of people, and you have done deeds that only He - glorified be He - has witnessed, and people have not seen them and you have not proven anything to them with them, are these deeds lost and will they not contribute to your view of yourself and your respect for yourself?

If you do not consider all of this and insist on pleasing people, do you think that you will lose only in the Hereafter and achieve happiness and tranquility in this world? Or will you be like those whom Allah said about them: "And do not obey him whose heart We have made heedless of Our remembrance and who follows his desire and his affair is ever [in] extremism." [Al-Kahf: 28], so the bonds of life will be cut off from you, your heart will not be at peace, you will not please your Lord, and your relationships with others will not be straight, as we saw in the episodes about the Western woman.

Which is correct: to value yourself away from people's view of you, or to make them the judge? To make your goal fixed or fluctuating, fluctuating with it? To measure yourself with a just divine scale, or with a limited human view? To gather your heart on the pleasure of Allah, or to scatter it in the valleys of people? To purify your soul and challenge it to stand firm on all of this? Or to surrender to it and its weakness?

General Address to Men and Women

You may say: "Alright, what is the difference in this speech between men and women? Are women the ones who are required to do this and not men?" Rather, it is for both men and women equally, for myself and for the callers and guides, as well as for all people.

When it is said that those who take on the call and guidance must take care of their relationship with Allah, it is for this reason; so that they may go out with a strong heart that overflows to people with what they need, not with a weak heart, trying to prove themselves to them, and mortgaging their view of themselves with their praise, hearing from them what they want, not what they need, in the manner of market Islam.

All that has been mentioned is a general address for men and women. However, we see the hardship and fatigue of women more than men in violating this. Her going out to people with unregulated concepts, wanting to prove herself to them with materialistic and capitalist standards imposed on her, makes her vulnerable to humiliation and exploitation, as we saw in the episode (of the Western woman).

Thus, the woman needs more striving and self-purification, so that she may go out - if she wishes to go out - with a full heart that wants to overflow to others, not with a hungry heart waiting for others to fill her with appreciation and affection. She goes out with a self-sufficient, strong heart. Islam has sufficed her needs with the system of guardianship or good fatherhood, not weak, in need, and susceptible to exploitation in a time when the strong oppress the weak, whether man or woman; because material values replace the values of Islam.

The woman needs to empower herself to deal with people with conditions derived from her religion, not with the conditions imposed by politicians, capitalists, and exploiters of humans, and those who do not respect her religion.

Motivations for Work and Success

You may say: "But the idea of proving myself is not in my mind, and I want martyrdom and work for the days, so that I am not a burden on anyone. I may not get married, and if I do get married, I do not want my husband to exploit my need for him." Or you may say: "I work because I need money to spend on myself or on my children as a divorced woman, or even on my parents." This is a topic we will also discuss - by the permission of Allah - and with that, what we mention in our episode today concerns us all, men and women, whatever our motivation for work and success.

Levels of Success for the Muslim Woman

When the Muslim woman distinguishes herself with her Islamic identity and makes her goal the achievement of servitude to Allah in its comprehensive concept, and gathers her heart with this direction, this means her commitment to the priorities and roles that Islam has defined to achieve her interest and the interest of society, with balance without neglecting the right of anyone. There are levels of success for the woman: success in the basics, additions, and exceptions.

First: Success in the Basics (Individual Obligations)

These are the individual obligations that are incumbent upon every woman; her relationship with Allah through pure monotheism, staying away from what violates monotheism by submitting and referring to Allah in all her affairs, and performing the obligations. Her relationship with herself by accepting and loving herself, by carrying herself towards good and keeping her away from evil. Her family roles, whether she is a daughter, wife, mother, or sister. Seeking knowledge that helps her in performing her duties in all of this. Success at this level is what every woman and girl must achieve without exception.

And from the beauty of the tolerant Hanifiyyah with which our Prophet - peace be upon him - was sent, the success of the woman in the essence of the basics: in herself and her relationship with her Lord is an easy success, which he - peace be upon him - expressed in his saying: "If a woman prays her five (prayers), fasts her month, guards her chastity, and obeys her husband... it is said to her, 'Enter Paradise from any of the gates of Paradise you wish.'" [Sahih Ibn Hibban].

Yes, she has duties after that in self-purification, kindness to parents, and upbringing, and success in all of this is a great matter that is not easy except for whom Allah has facilitated, and for this she reads in her prayer: "You (alone) we worship, and You (alone) we ask for help." [Al-Fatiha: 5].

The man - by the way - is addressed with the same priorities, required to give priority to himself and his purification, then to his family, and all of this is within the first basic level of success, "Begin with yourself, then with those you are responsible for." [Al-Mughni by Ibn Qudamah].

But the man has additional roles; he is tasked with taking care of the woman, whether as a father, husband, brother, or son, tasked with protecting her, spending on her, and providing for her needs and housing. Similarly, for his children; he is tasked with spending on his children and protecting them, so his success in that is from the basics that he sins if he falls short in them. The priorities for the man and the woman are one, but the nature of the roles determined by the Creator for each of them differs according to what suits the natures of the two genders.

It is very important here that the female knows that if she succeeds in these basics, she should feel satisfied and appreciative of herself, regardless of proving herself to others. She should feel appreciation for herself because she has indeed achieved the purpose of her creation, and proven herself as her Lord loves, before herself and before her family who are truly in need of her and she is truly in need of them as well. Here is the most important field of competition. If you succeed in it, you are complete, meaning you are not in need of success to seek it. Your essence is not lost to seek, nor is it denied to prove. If you succeed in these basics.

Second: Women's Contribution to the Common Good (Additions)

The second level of success: women's direct contribution - without intermediaries - to the common good, by being a teacher, a doctor, or other roles that suit their nature. We call this form: contribution without intermediaries; because when a woman performs her family role, every success for men is a success for her. She is part of a single team aiming to elevate the word of Allah, achieve economic independence for the nation, stewardship on earth, and empowerment for Muslims.

Thus, the woman supports the men in this, provides them with a stable psychological and productive environment, and raises a successful generation. Their success is her success. If the Muslim woman is freed from the capitalist perspective, her work within this family team is not less important to her than her visible work; in Islam: "Actions are but by intentions," [Sahih al-Bukhari] and the one who determines the criteria is not humans but the Lord of humans. The Lord of humans - glorified be He - made assistance like action, so the one who guides to good is like the doer. The woman who assists men in good and protects their backs by taking care of the home and family has a reward like theirs, and Allah is aware of her work and will reward her for it. Meanwhile, in the material system, people must see numbers for the woman to prove herself to them.

Good, if the woman can perform her duties in the basics and then wants to work outside the family sphere in what suits her nature from permissible work in legal circumstances, with permission from those who have authority over her? Excellent, and some of that may fall under the obligations of sufficiency, which is one of the forms of building the earth and achieving servitude in its comprehensive sense. However, success at this level is addressed to a section of women, not a duty for all of them. If a section of women and girls achieve this, the benefit is realized, and those who do it do not do it to prove a lost self but to meet a real need.

Disrupting the Balance and Misplacing Priorities

Where is the problem then? The problem is when this second level of success is addressed to 100% of girls and women. Here, the balance is disrupted and priorities are misplaced when the culture of society is built on involving all girls in these fields of study and work as the sole measure of success.

The problem is when the educational and media systems are built in a global way that demolishes the dividing lines between the nation of Islam and other nations in favor of politicians and capitalists. They agitate her like the agitation of the devils to feel inferiority, inferiority, and failure, and promote their material standards for evaluating her instead of the divine standards.

All of this is accompanied by complete neglect of the first basic level of success, which is building the personality of a balanced, stable, confident, and self-aware woman who appreciates herself, is successful in her relationship with her Lord, and in performing her family roles that only she can perform.

They neglect all of this, and even work to psychologically destroy her at the basic level of success, distorting her relationship with her Lord and herself, and charging her emotionally with their series, songs, and films. At the same time, they distort for her the institution of family and lawful marriage, sow discord between her and her guardians, and neglect the successes and successful women at the first level, those successful in their family relationships and upbringing.

Then they tell the girl: go out, come to the fields of university and work, get rid of the feeling of inferiority and failure... so the girl goes out to the fields of study and work, fragile, weak, anxious, lost, and work becomes a goal for which she wastes her self and faith. She increases in failure at the basic level of success, and her work becomes humiliation for her and a means of enslavement by politicians and capitalists, as she works under the conditions they dictate, under the terms they want, to achieve the self they deceived her into thinking is lost and will be found with them.

Thus, the woman and the girl suffer, and those who agitated her to enter these fields neglect the pains and problems the female faces in these fields, whether physically, psychologically, family-wise, or socially, so that more victims fall into this vortex.

The problem is when the girl moves to the second optional level of success, which is not necessary for all girls, while she is failing at the first basic level. She then moves without a fortified personality, without a clear vision, without regulated standards, without proper motives, so she harms herself and seeks her lost self in the wrong place. She may get married and form a family with these characteristics, producing more individuals like her for the nation.

Balancing Levels of Success

Here, many girls and women will say: but I can balance both successes at the same time, success in the basics and success in professional work. I will not answer you with future expectations but with a witnessed reality, what happens as a result of this conviction in reality?

When the woman enters the vortex of routine professional work with an 8-hour schedule and its consequences, what energy will she have left? What success at the first level are we talking about? Will her basic duties not become postponed hopes added to the list of "I will work," while professional work does not allow her to postpone it, and months and years pass by?!

Do we not see the result of this in women carrying responsibilities beyond their capacity, psychologically stressed, distracted, feeling shortcoming, loss, and dissatisfaction with their performance in everything, often leading to psychological and educational problems for her and her children, and family breakdown, not necessarily divorce, but houses built on coldness and bad relationships that may be worse than divorce.

Some women may succeed in balancing the two levels of success, but this is rare and difficult to measure. It should not be the norm in society or the culture everyone is addressed with.

Thirdly: Success in Exceptional Cases

What about when the media addresses women at the third level of success, which is: success in exceptional cases? Being a discoverer, an inventor, a famous media figure, a company director. And when these models are presented as role models for all girls, so that the girl compares herself to them, then feels failure and pain if she does not achieve what they have achieved, -and she will not achieve it- for we were not all created as exceptions.

What about when the girl is preoccupied with this, neither she nor these role models have achieved the basic first level of success. While the culture of society as a whole should be built on the fact that a woman does not move from one circle to the next unless she has perfected the first, otherwise she would be like a doctor who exposes himself to patients with infectious diseases in all its forms, while he is immune-deficient, not taking protective measures, and justifies that treating people is a good and public benefit!

Yes, there were exceptions in the nation, such as Khadijah -may Allah be pleased with her- who was, in contemporary language: (a successful businesswoman) and supported the call with her money, but she was at the same time an example of success in the basics.

The believing woman recalls the saying of her Prophet -peace be upon him: "So give everyone who has a right their right" and his saying: "And she is responsible for her flock" [Sahih al-Bukhari and Muslim]. She will not achieve success in this responsibility with a success that she was not tasked with, and she will not seek additional success while she has not given the rights holders their rights, otherwise she would be like a debtor who donates money.

The woman who is successful in the basics may work from home or part-time, and within her control, with the supremacy of the first level and most of the time in it, she may postpone this work until after she has reached a satisfactory level of mental strength and the independence of her children, and after she has done what is required of her and gained experience in upbringing and her wisdom, which qualifies her for success in the extras. And nothing urges her to do so because she is not deceived by those who provoke her and make her feel inferior and failure.

The Difference Between the Roles of Men and Women

Once again: how does the man differ from the woman in this? He differs in that Islam has obligated him to spend on the woman and the children, to protect them and provide them with a decent living, according to the division of roles that Islam has determined, which he sins if he neglects. So our speech to him is exactly our speech to the woman, in terms of adhering to priorities as Allah has legislated, and it is upon the man to strive for sustenance not out of self-assertion to people, but as a performance of the command of Allah the Almighty, and the achievement of servitude in its comprehensive concept.

If the man is engrossed in work out of love for money, or self-assertion, or competition with others, at the expense of his wife and children, and giving them their rights of his affection, time, and guidance, then he is sinful like the woman who is preoccupied with the basics.

Frequently Asked Questions and Conclusion

Perhaps you still have questions: Do you tell me this to convince me to get married and form a family instead of university education and work? Is it required of the woman to be a housewife? What if I do not find myself with a husband and children, but rather in voluntary or educational work, are these not noble goals, and not material as you say? You say: raising children, meaning the phrase is nothing but: "Be a candle that burns to light for others"? Is not the woman's testimony and work a protection for her? We will answer all these questions in what follows, God willing.

In summary of what we said today: You are a Muslim woman, so you have your distinction and goals, so achieve yourself through work to achieve these goals within the correct priorities, here is success and this is the field of real competition, and from here your personality is formed as a successful, balanced woman in her relationships, and satisfying to her Lord.

And peace be upon you and the mercy of Allah.