The Search for Self in Marriage (Why Do Many Marriages Fail?)

Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allah.

When we tell a woman: "Do not run away from reforming and purifying yourself to seek it in the atmosphere of university studies and work," what comes to her mind is that we are telling her: "Sister, get married and stay at home, take care of your husband and children, and may Allah grant you well-being." No, not at all.

Just as we did not advise you to flee from confronting and reforming yourself to university and work, we also do not advise you to flee from it to marriage. We will give the one who marries, and we will give her the keys to her success as a wife and a nurturer, by the permission of Allah.

As for the one who has not yet married, and who has not achieved success in the first basic level that we spoke about in her relationship with Allah and her relationship with herself, her marriage is often an escape and a disruption of priorities, and a search for the self in a wrong way as well, just as we said about going out to study and work professionally without achieving success in the basics.

By the way, the concept of the relationship with oneself is charged with great meanings that the listener usually does not understand the dimensions and importance of, although it is the most dangerous and important. Therefore, so that the speech does not remain general, we will advise you at the end of this episode with a roadmap for the purification of the self through beneficial readings and clips, by the permission of Allah.

Marriage as an Emotional Outlet: Unrealistic Expectations

The woman who neglects her self-purification, and whom the global system has succeeded in emotionally charging with Hollywood romantic fantasies, and who has been convinced that she should not be calm or happy unless this emotional charge is fulfilled, because she does not find comfort in herself or in her relationship with her Lord, in the best of cases, she will look at marriage as the legal outlet for her emotional charge, and that she will achieve happiness through this marriage.

She enters marriage with this mentality and these high, exaggerated, unrealistic expectations, and she expects her life partner to fill the void within herself with what she has seen in the representative romances, and that the situation will continue like this. While the truth is that marriage is not like that, even if it is harmonious and successful, and even if it begins with a period of the pleasure of the new relationship, it is inevitable that after that there will be habituation and entry into the wheel of family life and its requirements and responsibilities. What about our societies that live a difficult political and economic reality that the husband cannot completely detach himself from.

However, in a successful marriage, there is a relationship of love and mercy, while we will show you the reality of these relationships in the romantic box episode.

Consequences of Unprepared Marriage

The woman does not find in marriage what she expected, but rather finds responsibilities that she did not prepare herself to bear. Marriage becomes a setback and a burden for her, and she seeks an escape. An escape to the field of self-fulfillment in the capitalist and global way, or to social media sites, so she seeks her lost self with the crowds and their comments and likes, and she waits for them to praise and commend her, touching something of her emotion that she did not find satisfaction in marriage.

Perhaps, if her piety decreases even more, she will seek her lost self with the manager at work, or a colleague at work or study. She fled from herself to marriage, and now she is fleeing from herself and her marriage to complete her studies or profession or social media or unregulated relationships. And if she gives birth, she will give birth to psychologically disturbed and lost children like herself.

Marriage: A Response to Instinct, Not a Solution to Psychological Problems

Marriage, dear ones, is a response to instinctive, primal drives that Allah created for the continuation of life, but these drives have been inflamed in a distorted way among young people and girls, creating psychological problems and tension in them, until the primal drives in their view became a problem whose solution is in marriage. They expect a miracle to happen through marriage and solve their problems.

Until it became a societal culture, as we hear from parents who rely on their son being corrected after marriage under the slogan "He did not marry with his mind." While what usually happens is that each of the two parties who are not psychologically qualified hinders the other, and he expects him to bring him to life.

Marriage is not an acceptable escape from self-reform, nor a mental hospital, nor a discharge of a distorted charge, nor a solution to a manufactured problem, nor the achievement of delusional romances.

Marriage is a Blessing that Requires Preparation

Marriage is a blessing that Allah bestows upon us, tranquility, love, and mercy, and the nucleus of the family which is the main stronghold of the nation against its enemies. But for marriage to be like this, we need to obey our Lord in approaching this marriage and preparing for it. While many of our young men and women neglect all of this, and their heedlessness of Allah reaches its peak on the night of the wedding.

Yes, there are cases where the condition of the spouses improved and their problems were solved even though they entered marriage without the qualification that we mentioned, but this is not the majority or the norm, nor the culture that should be consolidated in society about the institution of the family, nor the justification for approaching marriage while neglecting the self and purifying it before marriage.

The Importance of Purifying the Soul Before Marriage

You need to purify your soul, seek beneficial knowledge, and reach a level of tranquility, mend your relationship with yourself and with Allah, clarify your goals, and prioritize what we mentioned in the previous episode. You need this tranquil and content soul to be emotionally and psychologically independent, even if you are not destined to marry.

And you need this soul, if you marry, to return to it, refuel, and spend from it on your husband and children. Similarly, the husband needs to work on all of this, so that marriage becomes part of achieving the right goals that you have both set within the journey of worshipping Allah the Almighty in its comprehensive concept.

And when you succeed at this basic level of purifying the soul, whether you marry or not, or if you are divorced, or a widow, or your husband is away from you for reasons, or does not fulfill his psychological and emotional role towards you, if you work on purifying your soul, the pleasure of psychological self-sufficiency, and the pleasure of your success in the basics, which you achieve in reality, will be greater than the exaggerated dreams that you seek in the mirage. The greatest tranquility and achievement of contentment in this world, "so we will live a good life," then in the Hereafter where eternal happiness.

We do not discourage marriage, dear ones, but we strive for its success, and we do not demand before embarking on it with a faith like the faith of Ali and Fatima, may Allah be pleased with them. And we know that the human soul is prone to weakness and shortcomings, but our youth and young women need the minimum of what we mentioned, and the upbringing of the soul on it before marriage. Not that we say marriage is a duty and neglect all that comes before it of obligations and Sunnah related to the successful establishment of the family institution, and the causes of its tension and misery, then burden it with goodness, and get rid of what harms it from negative traits.

This journey of purification should begin before marriage, and the minimum of it should be a requirement not less important than the existence of a job for the young man who is applying. The young man and the young woman usually do not take the step of marriage before there is a home, however small, and a minimum of furniture and material requirements for life at home. And they may leave some things for later.

What we say is that you have the minimum of purification and psychological maturity without which a harmonious life cannot be established, then you complete the journey, and cooperate in walking it after marriage, but you have both put your feet on the right path before marriage, and you have a clear common goal towards which you walk, and common values under which you abide, and priorities on which you agree.

As for relying on the fact that we will put our feet on the right path after marriage, this is what we warn against before it happens. And nevertheless, for those who fall into this, we say to them: correcting your situation and that of your family is repentance, and the door of repentance is open.

A Roadmap for Purifying the Soul

Okay, where do I start on this journey? The journey of purifying the soul that we all need, those who are married and those who are not yet married, men and women. We advise you in this, dear ones, with readings, clips, and courses, including:

• "A Guide to Myself" by our brother, the psychologist Dr. Abdul Rahman Dhaker, which is rich and varied, and we will put its link in the comments.
• Also, the Center for the Tranquil Soul channel by our brother Ans Sheikh Karim on Telegram, who has two specializations in the foundations of religion and educational psychology, and he has greatly helped me in refining the material of these episodes. And we advise you to take his courses, the information of which we will put for you in the comments, God willing.

A Question for Discussion in the Next Episode

Finally, some sisters will say: I am not looking for a lost soul or anything, but honestly and simply, I do not find myself with a husband and children, but rather I find myself in voluntary work or educational or even missionary work, are these not noble goals?

We will answer this question in the next episode, God willing. Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allah.