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This content has been automatically translated. View original in Arabic
O my brother, I do not want you to advise me, nor do I want to know my mistakes, and it is none of your concern whether my actions are lawful or unlawful!
These are shocking words that might lead us to immediately judge the speaker as arrogant toward the truth or following his own desires. But have we ever asked ourselves whether we ourselves are the "trial" that drove him to this outburst?
Do you know what often causes these outbursts we sometimes face? The cause is often the "stinginess with praise."
You expect a certain level of morality, diligence, effort, and religious commitment from your son. You expect a certain level of care for you, your comfort, raising children, and managing the household from your wife. And you, in turn, expect a certain level of emotion and attention from your husband. The same applies to your colleague or employee.
The other person may have truly exerted effort and made tangible improvements, expecting your praise to elevate them in your eyes. But you did not fulfill this need for recognition or appreciate this improvement. The eye only sees the empty half of the cup. When they see that you do not appreciate their effort, and instead of encouraging and reinforcing them, you criticize them and make them feel inadequate, they will suffer deep disappointment that expresses itself in phrases like: "I am free," "I don’t want anyone to advise me," "Keep your advice to yourself."
Matters become more complicated when you interpret their behavior as arrogance toward the truth, or as a refusal to acknowledge their mistakes, or rejection of "Allah has said, and His Messenger has said." In reality, they become convinced that you only see the worst in them, and the rift between you widens. This is where we fall into the trap against which the Prophet ﷺ warned when he said: "Are you causing trial, O Mu’adh? Are you causing trial, O Mu’adh?"
Thus, stinginess with praise can become a trial that turns people away from listening to the truth. Of course, rejecting advice is not an excuse for the wrongdoer before Allah. No one should deceive themselves into thinking that others drove him to this, for they will all come to Him alone on the Day of Resurrection.
Consider the noble Prophetic method of praise. In Sahih al-Bukhari, when Hafsa, may Allah be pleased with her, told the Prophet ﷺ about a dream her brother Abdullah ibn Umar, may Allah be pleased with them both, had seen, the Prophet ﷺ said: "What an excellent man Abdullah is! If only he prayed at night."
Notice how the Prophet ﷺ saw that Abdullah ibn Umar was suited to a high level of worship, but instead of saying, "O Abdullah, you are falling short in night prayer," he began with praise: "What an excellent man Abdullah is!" This opened the young man’s heart. Then, the Prophet ﷺ did not consider the lack of night prayer a deficiency to be criticized, but rather a perfection to aspire to, so that he might rise even higher. As Ibn Hajar said in Fath al-Bari, the phrase "if only" expresses a wish, not a condition.
What was the result? Abdullah ibn Umar said of himself: "From then on, he would not sleep at night except for a little." He soared to the heights of night prayer with just one word of encouragement.
The Prophet ﷺ was never stingy with praise, even toward those who had committed major sins, so that he might leave them a path of return and make them feel valued in his eyes. Look at Nu’ayman, who was being flogged for drinking alcohol. The Prophet ﷺ said: "Do not curse him, for by Allah, I know nothing about him except that he loves Allah and His Messenger."
See this reinforcement, praise, and motivation the Prophet ﷺ planted in Nu’ayman’s heart, so that he might retain his dignity in his own eyes and in the eyes of society—while the Prophet ﷺ was saying this during his punishment for drinking!
And when Hatib ibn Abi Balta’ah sent a message to the Quraysh informing them of the Prophet’s ﷺ march to conquer Mecca—a move known militarily as high treason—the Prophet ﷺ said: "He was present at Badr." The Prophet ﷺ reminded him of his past virtue, a deed that had taken place six years earlier! He wanted to convey a message: "O Hatib, you are a noble person. You have a great standing and high rank—preserve it."
All people have a need for reinforcement and appreciation of their efforts. Do not expect them to ask you for this praise, but they will feel hurt or anger if they do not receive it. Sometimes we fear that if we praise a partial improvement, it will be as if we are condoning the remaining mistakes. This is not true. Rather, this praise is the fuel that helps them continue on their journey.
So, O noble ones, do not be stingy with your praise, for Allah the Exalted says:
"And speak to people in a good manner."
Today, look for a good deed done by someone you interact with, for an improvement they have made, and sincerely praise them. Then watch as Allah opens the locks of hearts for you, by His permission.
Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allah.