Why Don’t People Listen to You?
“O my brother, I don’t want your advice, I don’t want to know my mistake, I don’t want to know what’s right or wrong—what does it have to do with you? It’s none of your business!” These shocking words might instantly lead us to judge the speaker as arrogant or stubbornly following his own desires. But have we ever asked ourselves whether we ourselves are the trial that pushed him to this outburst?
So, brothers and sisters, what causes this explosion that we sometimes face? The cause is often “stinginess with praise.”
The Problem of Stinginess with Praise
You expect a certain level of ethics, diligence, and religious commitment from your son. You expect a certain level of affection, gentle expressions, and care from your husband. You expect a certain level of attention to your comfort, child-rearing, and household management from your wife. These expectations vary—from your university classmate, your coworker, your employee, your manager.
It’s possible that the other person has truly exerted effort and genuinely improved, expecting praise for this progress and for you to see him in a better light. But you fail to satisfy this need for recognition; you only see the empty half of the cup. When he sees that you do not appreciate his effort, things become complicated. He may interpret your behavior as arrogance toward the truth, unwillingness to acknowledge mistakes, unwillingness to listen to advice, or unwillingness to heed “God has said and His Messenger has said,” believing instead that he is only following his own desires.
Here, he becomes convinced that you only see the worst in him, the rift between you grows wider, and you fall into the very trap the Prophet ﷺ warned against when he said, «Are you a trial-maker, O Mu’adh? Are you a trial-maker, O Mu’adh?» Stinginess with praise can be a trial that turns people away from listening to the truth.
Of course, the one who rejects advice has no excuse before God simply because we failed to encourage him. Do not deceive yourself into thinking that people drove him to this by their behavior—each will come before God alone on the Day of Judgment.
The Prophetic Method of Encouragement
Consider the refined Prophetic method of encouragement. In Bukhari, when Hafsa, may God be pleased with her, told the Prophet ﷺ about a dream her brother Abdullah ibn Umar, may God be pleased with them both, had seen, the Prophet ﷺ said, «What an excellent man Abdullah is—if only he prayed at night.»
The Prophet ﷺ did not consider Abdullah’s lack of night prayer a flaw to criticize; instead, he turned it into a virtue to aspire to, saying in effect, “You are wonderful, Abdullah, and this quality would make you even more wonderful.” As Ibn Hajar explained in Fath al-Bari, the word “لو” (if only) here expresses a wish, not a condition. Abdullah was already a good man, but the Prophet wished for him to add night prayer.
What was the result? Abdullah ibn Umar himself said, “After that, he would not sleep through the night except for a little.” He describes how, after the Prophet’s words, he no longer slept through the night except briefly, striving and soaring in the skies of night worship.
Praise Even in Times of Crisis
The Prophet ﷺ was never stingy with praise, even toward those who had committed major sins, leaving them a “line of return,” making them feel valued in his eyes so they would strive to remain valued. Look at the case of al-Nu’man, who was flogged for drinking wine. The Prophet ﷺ said, «Do not curse him, for he loves God and His Messenger.» See the encouragement, see the praise, see the motivation the Prophet ﷺ instilled in al-Nu’man’s heart so he would retain dignity before himself and society.
Look also at Hatib ibn Abi Balta’ah, in a situation known in military terminology as “high treason,” yet the Prophet ﷺ said, «He did participate in the Battle of Badr.» The Prophet ﷺ recalled Hatib’s past virtue; six years had passed between the Battle of Badr and the Conquest of Mecca, yet he still affirmed him, sending the message: “You, Hatib, are a noble person with a great standing—preserve it.”
Conclusion: The Fuel for the Journey
Everyone has a need for encouragement, a need for their efforts to be recognized and their achievements praised. Do not expect them to extract this praise from you, yet they will feel hurt or anger if they do not receive it.
Sometimes we fear that praising partial improvement in someone is tantamount to condoning their mistakes or remaining deficiencies—but this is not true. Such praise is the “fuel” that helps them continue their journey.
So, noble people, do not be stingy with your praise. God the Exalted says:
And speak kindly to people.
Today, look for a good deed done by someone you interact with, for an improvement they have made, and sincerely praise them. Then watch how, by God’s permission, the locks of hearts will open for you.
Peace be upon you and God’s mercy.