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Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allah.
Is a woman required to work as a maid for her husband and children? Are you trying to make us laugh with the phrase "nurturer of generations" to beautify the work of being a maid in the house? Am I, as a woman, required to burn myself out to light the path for others, whether they are husbands or children? Does Islam require me to turn my life into a stew, laundry, cleaning, which exhausts the hours of my day and the strength of my body to the point of exhaustion? Then I don't find time to educate myself, interact with my community, or perhaps to perfect my worship?
Am I required to cook every day for my husband and children, so that if I put bread and milk in front of them, it is the husband's right to say to me, "You have fallen short in your work"? Is it right for my husband to look down on serving the house, and consider washing his dishes or cleaning his clothes or arranging his clothes as contrary to his manhood, and then blame me if I do not do all of this behind him? Is it right for my children and young daughters, not to mention the adults, to live for their desires and entertainment and play, and create chaos and disorder in the house while I serve everyone? Is the girl required to serve her brothers just because she is female and they are male? Should a woman serve her husband's family? Are there cases where a woman is forbidden to serve her husband and children?
If the family's financial situation is tight and the woman needs to work to help her husband, does that not place a greater responsibility on him to participate in the household chores? Or is it his right to say to her, "This is your problem, deal with it," and expect her to fulfill all the roles at the expense of her health and her own rights?
The words we will say today, dear ones, are like detangling family relationships. "Obey the Messenger that you may be shown mercy. Those who listen to the word and follow the best of it, those are the ones whom Allah has guided, and those are the ones who possess understanding." We will tell them that this word will be comforting to their hearts and helpful in the smooth running of the family ship with happiness, by the permission of Allah. We are not here today to beautify the work of the house as it is so that we can convince you of it, but we will say to you: The condition of Muslim homes today is already distorted and unsatisfactory, so come let us see the causes so that we can cooperate to repair our homes.
The beginning of the story: Allah created creation for a purpose. If they work for it, then the good life, and if they go against it, then the miserable life. If you ask any Muslim: Why did Allah create you? He will answer you: For worship. And he will recite to you: "And I have not created jinn and mankind except to worship Me." But the majority of Muslims, if they hear "worship," they imagine the prayer mat and the prayer beads, and do not think of the comprehensive concept of worship that families should be raised upon.
Servitude to Allah is a rope from Allah: "And hold firmly to the rope of Allah all together and do not become divided." If we hold fast to this rope, the roles and priorities and relationships are arranged, and everyone works in harmony, like a magnet that arranges the metal pieces towards it. Problems arise when this goal is lost, so the priorities and roles are mixed, the great common compass is lost, and everyone has their own compass. The man says: I want self-affirmation. It is very natural for the woman to ask at that time: Well, and my self? I want to fulfill my desires. Well, and my desires? So the desires differ, and discord and dispute and family breakdown occur.
The beginning of harmony is by agreeing on servitude in its comprehensive concept. Servitude in its comprehensive concept means everything that Allah loves of actions and words and heart meanings. That we refer all our affairs to Allah, and establish His law in our lives, and learn knowledge to perceive His will and pleasure, exalted be He. That we look at the cosmic verses of Allah and learn the natural sciences and master them and achieve sufficiency for our nation and work on its honor: "He has made you successors in the earth and has raised some of you above others in degrees, that He may try you through what He has given you." Building the nation economically, industrially, and technically, solving the problem of poverty, purposeful media, inventing treatments to save lives: "And whoever saves a life, it is as though he had saved all mankind." Restoring the balance of power for the people of truth, presenting the true religion to humanity, and preventing slander against it: "And thus We have made you a just community that you may be witnesses over the people, and the Messenger will be a witness over you."
That we educate our children, and raise in them noble, strong, distinguished, and insightful souls. That we work to defend the oppressed on earth and save humanity from the enslavement of the international system. We breathe the scent of paradise, and if our zeal wanes, we look to these goals and they ignite in us the enthusiasm anew. This is servitude in its comprehensive concept, and it is a mercy from Allah to His servants: "O My servants, you will not reach Me by harming Me, and you will not reach My benefit to benefit Me. Whoever is guided, it is only for his own benefit." Servitude to Allah is a rope from Allah that saves them from it, so that the tranquility of the family does not turn into misery, and the children who are supposed to be the adornment of this world do not turn this blessing into a torment.
If we understand this introduction, dear ones, we know the cause of the problem and we know the solution, and we know the answer to many of the questions. Any discussion of the topic of a woman's work in the house, or her roles in general, if it does not take this introduction into consideration, will be a limited discussion that may do more harm than good. Like the well-known traditional question: Should a woman fulfill the needs of her husband and children such as cooking, cleaning the house, washing clothes, etc.? What we usually do in answering this question is that we start by presenting the jurisprudential difference, and with the sayings of Shafi'i, and Abu Hanifa, and Ahmad, and Malik, and the inclinations of the scholars after them.
Wait, I ask the question: Should a woman serve her husband who spends his time fulfilling his desires? And looks down on doing anything from the household chores, and thinks that he has an absolute right to service because he is the man and she is the woman? Should a woman serve her children who live for trivial interests, eat and drink, and spend hours on the PlayStation or movies, and consider that their mother should serve them during that, and that this is one of the necessities of maternal affection and sacrifice?
The answer to these questions, and with complete clarity: No, and a thousand no's. And delving into jurisprudential differences before determining the image responsible for it gives the impression that from the jurists of the nation who agree on their imamity accepts this distorted image, and they are the most noble and the highest to accept it. Therefore, dear ones, extracting fatwas from their reality in which they were issued and composing them on our distorted reality is ignorance and not jurisprudence at all.
On the other hand, if you ask: Should a woman take up the profession of the home to be a support and pillar for her husband who is engrossed in work to prepare a dignified life for her and her children? A husband who wants to provide for her and relieve her, facing the forces of the world that want to cut her off from her relatives and throw her into a frenzied atmosphere to suffer what the Western woman suffers from loss and waste of her dignity and honor under the title of economic empowerment of women as we have seen. Should she take up the profession of the home as part of a team working towards a great goal, assisted in this by her children whom she has raised to bear responsibility, and serve themselves and their parents, and aided by her husband who does not disdain household work nor act arrogantly?
If you pose the question in this way, you will not wait for the answer, but you will answer yourself. And both questions began with "Should a woman take up the profession of the home?" and there is a world of difference between the two situations. Thus, you understand why the woman's work in the profession of the home did not constitute a general point of contention in the virtuous centuries, and the legal opinion was present that the profession of the home is not part of the marriage contract, and yet it did not cause a problem. The woman felt pleasure as she supported her husband and took care of her home, so her son would grow up as a scholar or a leader or a mujahid, and she would feel that she had accomplished, achieved, and given to the nation, and she would naturally enjoy this work. And it was not imagined in the presence of the common goal that the woman would say: "I do not want to do anything in the house," for that would be as if she said: "I do not want to live for a purpose, but I want to live for my desires and whims, or I want to achieve other accomplishments, and leave supporting my husband and children who work for great goals." The work of the house only became a problem and a point of contention when the great common goal was lost, and the meaning of servitude in family life faded.
You might say: Okay, your words are beautiful, but my husband is not as you described, nor are my children. Do you want new clothes, a new piece of furniture? Imagine when your goal is to revive the correct goals of the family again, and you have patience and perseverance in achieving these goals. Okay, you did not find cooperation from the husband or from the children, and they actually want you to be just a servant, serving them while they are engrossed in their whims, or they have high consumer demands, or your husband burdens you with serving his family not in the way of good relations, and showing kindness and benevolence, but as an obligation, as if it were your duty.
Here, God does not impose on you to accept the performance of those works, but He obliges you to be firm with the children for your benefit and theirs, and you may endure your husband hoping for the reward, and the good outcome, and that your kindness may bear fruit in his morals, and you are still standing by the basics that we have talked about from your right and the right of your Lord upon you. The Sharia does not prevent you from that as long as it is by your choice and consent.
On the other hand, if you start to bear more than you can, and your performance of these works harms your body, or hurts yourself, or even spoils your performance of what God has obligated upon you such as your prayers and your seeking of the obligatory knowledge. Should we tell you at that time: "Sorry, be patient and sacrifice, be a candle that burns to light the path for others"? No, that is not permissible for you. And we return here to the order of priorities that we talked about in the episode of the search for the self, your soul is the first priority and it is the first thing you will be held accountable for: "You are responsible for yourselves," "Strengthen yourselves and your families as a fire." Yourself first. It is not permissible for you to destroy yourself and neglect the basics that God has obligated upon you for the well-being of others, even if driven by motherhood, for this will not benefit you on the day: "On that day, a man will flee from his brother, his mother, his father, his wife, and his children, and each of them will have on that day a matter that will preoccupy him." You and your husband and your children and your life are the property of God, the Lord of the worlds, you are not the property of anyone to consume your physical or mental health or to invade the circle of your success in the basics for his comfort or for his refusal to bear responsibility. And in the hadith narrated by al-Bukhari and Muslim, our Prophet peace be upon him said: "Obedience is only in what is known," "Obedience is only in what is known."
But sometimes, there is no choice, it's not up to me and I am forced to do it by a harsh husband and family who do not know me or treat me justly if I resort to them. Ah, you must know at that moment that this is injustice from people to you, not that the Sharia has wronged you. Your conviction of that is the beginning of the solution. When the Sharia is on your side, you rely on it and address your family and husband with it: "Come, we are Muslims, so come let us see the judgment of God between us," then you take your decisions and study your options based on their response to that and your ability to endure, and in all of this, you are aided by your Lord, exalted be He, you have good thoughts of Him and His wisdom and mercy and justice.
The profession of the home in its current state today in many families is indeed heavy and repulsive, we are not here to beautify it for you or to put its burden on you, but to see its problems and work on fixing them and distributing its roles. We can summarize the reasons for the transformation of the profession of the home into a problem in five reasons:
This has led to parents failing to raise their children with the meanings of righteousness, purposeful work, and detachment from worldly matters. Consequently, the home and children, whose spirits have dried up, live a materialistic, consumerist life full of demands. Additionally, men often elevate themselves above participating in household chores, and do not distinguish between favor and justice. Thus, the woman is asked to do things that are fundamentally her choice to do as a favor and kindness, yet she is imposed upon and considered negligent if she does not perform them.
But beware, my sister, it is not Islam that created these problems, but the absence of Islam. Islam established great common goals that unite the father, mother, and children. Islam encouraged the husband to participate in household work. Islam distinguished the boundaries of favor and justice, and gave the woman the choice to accept or refuse to do works that some consider her duties, but are not as we will see. When we go against Islam in all this, household work becomes burdensome and hated. It is natural that you do not find yourself in such work. The amazing thing is that we have distanced ourselves from Islam in our lives, resulting in distorted relationships and problems. Then, some people judge Islam as if it produced these problems, which only arose from its absence.
As for the great goals, we have spoken about them. The woman who prepares the dishes for her husband and children to eat and provides them with a comfortable, clean environment will enjoy it if all this is for a noble goal that everyone strives for. I know a good family living for a goal. The husband is a university professor in computer information systems, skilled in his work, preparing for professorship (a respected professor), with research in international journals, loved by his students, teaching them beneficial knowledge and planting Islamic values in them, and striving with all this for widows and the poor. His virtuous wife studied while married to him the science of hadith and obtained a doctorate in a precise specialization of it, and her husband helped her in that. They are virtuous parents, as evident in the harmony of their home, the character of their children, and their success in religion and the world as we see them.
On the occasion of the recent International Women's Day, in response to feminism, this virtuous doctor published an article in which she said: "On International Women's Day, I confess that I love being a woman. I still love to take care of my family and cook for them what they love with a happy heart. I still love to take care of my house from cleaning, washing clothes, and folding them. I still love to cut my little girls' nails and follow their lessons and scientific achievements. I still love to ventilate the house, perfume it, and polish the glass. I still feel happy when I arrange the shelves and coordinate the colors. I still love to gather my family around me and be a refuge for them from the harshness of this world. I still feel satisfaction and achievement when I provide my husband with tranquility to sleep and get some rest. I still feel serenity when my husband is pleased with me. I still love these details. Am I normal or has something bad befallen me? All of the above does not mean that I do not know my rights, nor does it mean that I should not have scientific and social achievements."
Her husband responded to her on his public account with praise, gratitude, appreciation, and affection for her, which is something we encourage as long as it is with manners, so that we may promote good examples in this time when negative examples are widespread and young people and girls are being deterred from marriage and building the fortress of the family. The point is that the virtuous sister works within the institution of the family for great common goals, so she enjoys household work and finds herself in it.
The second reason for turning household work into a problem is weak upbringing. Our next episode will be about upbringing, God willing, but we say here regarding household work: It is the duty of the parents to help the child determine goals, build personality, bear responsibility, know oneself and identity. You are a Muslim who obeys Allah, honors your parents, helps them, and seeks reward and paradise thereby. Raise him on being busy with what benefits him and not being distracted by trivialities. All this upbringing is indeed action and example before words, and it is the joint responsibility of the parents. These boys and girls will be a help to you in the profession of the house. Raise them from their tender age to bear responsibility and know what they have and what they owe in taking care of themselves and their belongings. But they will not perform this duty willingly unless you are a continuous nurturing mother who fills their lives. Do not expect to see this type of children if they were raised by a maid or in nurseries while you are preoccupied with success in the basics, including family care. The woman who did not choose to be a nurturer has chosen to be just a maid, especially if her husband's negligence is added to her negligence. The child who was not fed by his mother with the food of the soul and mind, did not find emotional satisfaction from her, and had weak communication with her, instead of participating in household work, will resort to eating a lot, sleeping a lot, following his whims and desires, and silly videos, and become demanding, consuming, and a burden instead of being a help.
This leads us to the third problem, which is the excessive consumption of consumer goods and immersion in material life and the household requirements that result from it. In Sahih Muslim: "O Aisha, do you have anything?" She said, "O Messenger of Allah, we do not have anything." He said, "Then I am fasting." Thus, life proceeds simply without a meal for that day, and the world does not collapse if there is no new dish. A house where a problem arises over a dish is usually a house without a great goal that everyone strives for.
The fourth problem: The husband's elevation above household work, and here I focus on the word "elevation." What is more important than the physical effort that this places on the woman is the psychological harm when she feels that her husband sees it as his right to throw his things and use the facilities of the house, leave them as they are, and then blame her if she does not clean them, as if she were his servant. This elevation of the husband above household work is one of the causes of the problem.
The Prophet, peace be upon him, would sew his clothes, mend his shoes, and serve himself, and he was in the profession of his family. This is our role model, and this is the man we should emulate. If the husband sees that household work diminishes his manhood, this is a mistaken understanding of manhood. Manhood is bearing responsibility, participating in building the family, and cooperating with the wife.
The fifth problem: Failure to distinguish between favor and justice. Many husbands consider serving the wife in the house a duty upon her, and that she is negligent if she does not perform it, while the Sharia has given the woman the choice in many of these works. The origin of serving the house is from the favor and kindness of the wife to her husband and children, and it is not a religious duty upon her. When these works turn from favor and kindness to obligation and duty, the woman feels injustice and exhaustion, and loses the enjoyment in performing them.
The righteous husband is the one who appreciates his wife's favor and kindness, shares her in household work, lightens her burden, and does not see that as diminishing his manhood. On the contrary, it increases his love in his wife's heart, and makes family life happier and more harmonious.
If we want to solve these problems, we must return to the great shared goals that we mentioned. When there is a sublime goal that brings the family members together, the work of the house becomes part of this goal, and is done with a spirit of cooperation and love.
Raising children to bear responsibility and participate in household chores from a young age is essential. The home is not a hotel that provides them with services, but rather an institution in which everyone participates in its building. When children are raised to serve themselves and help at home, they become a help to their parents, and they feel a sense of belonging and responsibility towards their families.
Reducing material and excessive consumerist demands greatly alleviates the burdens of the home. When life is simple and not complicated by luxuries, the effort required to maintain it decreases, and the opportunity arises to focus on the higher goals.
The work of the house is not a problem in itself, but the problem lies in the absence of shared goals, weak upbringing, excessive materialism, the arrogance of some husbands, and the confusion between favor and justice. When the family returns to the concept of comprehensive servitude to Allah, works together for a great goal, and bears responsibilities with cooperation and love, the work of the house becomes a pleasant and productive part of building a strong and happy family.
May our homes be fortified fortresses, factories for righteous men and women, and centers of radiation for good in society, not just places for consumption and dispute. We ask Allah to reform our homes and families.