Episode 13 - "Just Raising Children?"
Just Upbringing?
Peace be upon you. Why did I have children in the first place and bear the burden of raising them? Is it just to appear normal like everyone else? Are children truly a blessing when, in their youth, they are a source of exhaustion and strain on my nerves? Then, as they grow a little, they live in their own world, isolated from me? And when they become independent and leave the house, they leave me to my sorrow, depression, and a marriage relationship that has become tense because of them?
Is it reasonable that I send my children to school, even if I feel it is not fulfilling its role, just so I can rest from their burden for a few hours and take care of myself a bit? You say that one of the most important tasks of a woman is to raise her children, but just upbringing? Should I dedicate most of my abilities, energies, time, and talents to upbringing alone? Isn't it enough that I enrolled my children in a school for which we pay huge sums of money? If I want to fulfill my duty towards my children, what are the educational matters that I can go to schools with when registering my children and ask them about their programs to achieve them?
What is the story of the two doctors who were giving cancer patients water and salt? And what does that have to do with upbringing? You warn us about electronic games and providing mobile phones for children to open whatever they want on them. Okay, then how do I fill their void? Is it required that I fill their void entirely by myself and forget about my own condition? What if I do not find myself in my husband and children, but rather in voluntary, educational, and even missionary work? Aren't these noble goals?
My husband does not cooperate with me in raising our children. Is it fair that I bear the burden alone? I tried to correct my son or daughter, but he went astray and deviated, and I am disappointed and sad about him. What should I do? Why does the subject of upbringing seem deep and not easy? Isn't the matter simpler than that, and every child is born on fitra (natural inclination to Islam)?
The Ultimate Purpose of Existence
At the beginning of the story, dear guests, Allah created creation for the purpose of worshipping Allah in its comprehensive sense, which we discussed last time. This worship requires noble souls, expressed by the honor of receiving humans and the angels prostrating to them, then subjugating everything for their service: "And He has subjected to you, as from Him, all that is in the heavens and all that is in the earth; He has surely bestowed upon you His bounties in full measure. Indeed, in that is a sign for a people who reflect."
Everything is for your sake and in your service to achieve the goal of your existence, which is the worship of Allah in its comprehensive sense. You will need to acquire the qualities of honor and dignity to elevate yourself to the task of the ultimate great work, and to achieve dignity, empowerment, and succession befitting the allies of Allah. Therefore: "Whoever is guided is only guided for [the benefit of] his own soul." You are the one who benefits from this process of qualification, in addition to the eternal bliss in the gardens of eternity.
On the other hand, whoever neglects the purpose of his existence and forgets his Lord is deprived of this honor: "And be not like those who forgot Allah, so He made them forget themselves." They forget to work for their own good, to purify themselves, and to build a person who works for the ultimate great work for which they were created.
When I recall that the purpose of my existence is to worship Allah and the bliss that follows, all my actions are directed towards achieving this purpose, even the natural acts such as marriage and procreation. And the beauty of worshipping Allah is that it enhances our natural enjoyment of the blessing of children: "And those who say, 'Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.'" Comfort to the eyes in this world and in the Hereafter.
In contrast, those who forgot Allah turned the comfort of the eyes into torment: "So let not their wealth or their children impress you. Allah only intends to punish them through them in this worldly life and that their souls may depart while they are disbelievers." My children are an extension of my project after my death or a righteous child who prays for me. But for them to be so, I must build in them the noble, honorable human being as Allah loves for him to be, and this is education. All of this makes my children and their upbringing the focus of my interests. They become my most important projects.
The problem of my brothers begins if we forget the ultimate purpose of worshipping Allah in all of this. And since this word is part of the series "For You, O Muslim Woman," our focus will be on you and your role in education. Because it is within the circle of success in the basics that we talked about, before you set out to try to succeed and seek the self in other fields that are lost from the map of basics and priorities that we talked about.
What is Education?
Children go to schools, and I have tried to enroll them in conservative and relatively safe environments. They will be raised as I was raised. What more can I do? Come, let's review together what education means, then see if your child is getting it in schools or society.
Building Values and Morals
Education means raising your children on the meanings of modesty, generosity, nobility, mercy, dignity, rejection of injustice, anger for the sake of Allah, zeal for the sanctities, forbidding evil, and strength of character in this world that tries to crush these meanings by all means, including education, media, cartoon films, and electronic games, with their studied implications that destroy modesty and promote violence.
Developing Critical Thinking
Education means teaching your child how to think, how to ask the right questions, how to express himself, how to distinguish between true science and false science, how to refute the ideas presented to him, how to recognize the fallacies in the debate that the deniers use to make him doubt his religion, and how to verify the information.
Self-Discovery and Goal Setting
Education means helping your son and daughter discover themselves and invest in their strengths, then choose goals that suit their abilities and circumstances and contribute to the glory of their nation. Teaching the child that "be yourself, accept yourself, do not impersonate others, do not feel like a failure if you do not achieve what others have achieved, and do not set goals that do not suit you, for everyone has their personality," because your child will not be satisfied or happy otherwise.
Answering Existential Questions
Education means providing your children with answers to the great existential questions: Who am I? Who created me? Where is the destiny? What is the purpose of my existence? Why am I a Muslim? What are the evidence that the Quran is from Allah? What are the evidence of the prophethood of Muhammad peace be upon him? How is the Quran and the Sunnah, to which I refer in my life, preserved?
Education means that the child does not reach the age of 22, having spent 18 years in schools and universities without knowing the answers to these questions, nor knowing how to think, so that a word answers him and a word leads him astray, and a trivial article or video clip removes him from his religion with ease and discusses with him with naivety, lacking the minimum requirements of correct thinking, rational debate, and scientific criticism. He is deceived by the same trick that he is educated, perhaps even an engineer, a doctor, or a university professor.
Connecting Children to Islamic Identity
Education means connecting your sons and daughters to the real symbols in their Islamic history, and introducing them to the history of their nation so that they know they have deep roots to be proud of, instead of being like seaweed, imitators of the zones and intoxicated, and followers of social media celebrities in their clothing, hairstyles, and movements.
Developing Awareness and Responsibility
Education means teaching your child to ask the question "Why am I doing this?" in everything he does, so he is not a blind follower. Education means developing in your child the ability to notice inputs, so he notices the tricks of the media and its methods in trying to reshape his psychology and values. And I remember how my father, may Allah have mercy on him, used to alert us to that by discussing some of what we watched, and that had a great impact.
Love of Beneficial Knowledge
Education means instilling in your son and daughter the love of seeking beneficial knowledge in all fields, holding books, following series, and their motto: "Seek what benefits you," and feeling mental and spiritual fulfillment instead of the emptiness that drives them to follow the trivialities of YouTubers, addiction to pornographic clips, or living in the illusion of electronic games.
Mastering the Tools of the Age
Education means instilling in your child the motivation to learn what will help him master the tools of his age, to be influential and successful as a Muslim. He learns to use technology, manage money, persuasion skills, leadership skills, and teamwork.
Righteous Companionship
Education means connecting your children to righteous companionship, and seeking good friends for them even if you have to work on relationships with mothers to provide safe companionship and righteous friends for your children.
Rights and Duties of the Family
Education means teaching your children and daughters what we instill here about the rights of each family member, their duties, and their priorities. Teach your son to reach out to his brothers and yearn for his sister.
Seriousness and Responsibility
Education means teaching your children seriousness, bearing the consequences of their actions, expecting pain in life, and dealing with it with patience and contentment, and that they are not in this life for comfort and relaxation in the world, and that it is a place of trial, not a place of reward.
Connection to the Quran
Education means connecting your children to the Quran and developing in them the ability to understand it and derive conclusions from it in an era when it is intended that the religion of Allah be limited to limited rituals, and the sanctification and glorification of human desires.
The Oneness of Allah and His Exaltation
Upbringing means making the greatest value for your children the oneness of Allah, the exaltation of Allah, the love of Allah and His Messenger, may peace be upon him, to be above all love, and keeping them away from what taints the oneness of Allah.
Belonging to the Islamic Nation
Upbringing means teaching your children to belong to their Islamic nation, to care about its conditions, and to turn their concern for it into positive action without despair or frustration.
Building a Strong Relationship with Children
Upbringing means building a strong relationship with your children, showing love, trust, and care for them, listening to their problems, and being friends with them. Without this, you will not achieve the goals we have mentioned.
Understanding the Characteristics of Age Stages
Upbringing means getting to know the characteristics of each age stage of your children and what is required for it, with varying methods such as storytelling, play, and group activities.
Addressing Personal Problems
Upbringing means helping your son and daughter to address the problems they face in building their personalities, just as you strive to treat the diseases of their bodies, if not more.
Practical Role Model
Education means being a practical role model, embodying all these meanings within yourself before commanding your children to do so. A sincere tear from you while reading a verse or mentioning the Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him, will have a greater effect on your children's hearts than a thousand religious lessons in school. Your insistence that your child performs the Fajr prayer is more impactful than insisting they go to school, as it builds their reverence for Allah and makes Him the priority in their lives. Your performance of your role in the absence of their father, just as you do in his presence, teaches them to keep Allah's watch over them.
Your kindness to your parents and serving them, reading methodical books in front of and with your children, and not relying solely on scattered content from social media platforms will make them accustomed to reading. You won't then need to fill their time yourself, as long as you have set their feet on the right path. In conclusion, education means building a person who works towards achieving servitude in its comprehensive sense for the betterment of this world and the hereafter.
Do you know, dear one, the meaning of education? Do you know the meaning of building a person? Do you know the meaning of "and she is responsible for raising them"? And the meaning of our Prophet's statement in the hadith narrated by Bukhari, a terrifying hadith that makes you feel the weight of responsibility: "No servant whom Allah has entrusted with a flock and has not fulfilled his duty in advising them will find the scent of Paradise." Look at the prophetic expression: "has not fulfilled his duty in advising them." You are required to surround your children from every angle, not with an abundance of advice and criticism, as this causes boredom and aversion from your children towards you, but through practical role modeling, guidance when needed, protecting them from harm, and being firm in that with kindness and affection. Surround them so that you can protect them from the arrows of desires and doubts that come at them from every direction.
You are qualified to build all of this in your son. You are qualified to instill honesty in the hearts of your children through your practical behavior, as in the hadith of Hudhayfah ibn al-Yaman, who said: "The Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him, told us that honesty was placed in the roots of the hearts of men, then they learned from the Quran, and then they learned from the Sunnah." Honesty is the truth with oneself, and if you instill it in the hearts of your children, it will benefit them with the Quran and the Sunnah. If you do not plant it, nothing will benefit them, and they will be numbers in the phenomenon of superficiality and hypocrisy.
Sufyan al-Thawri's mother said to him: "O my son, seek knowledge, and I will provide for you from my spinning," meaning she would weave clothes and sell them to spend on him, but you should devote yourself to seeking knowledge. "O my son, if you write down ten hadiths, look and see if you see an increase in your humility, gentleness, and dignity," meaning in morals, "if you do not see that, then know that it harms you and does not benefit you." She did not say to him: "Bring a grade so that we can boast about you and you can be better than your cousin," but rather she wanted knowledge to affect your morals. Learning is the honesty of knowledge.
Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal and ash-Shafi'i grew up as orphans, and each of their mothers took charge of their upbringing, making them leaders of the nation in knowledge and action. You are qualified for all of this because they are your children. The school, the nursery, the kindergarten, and the nanny cannot replace you. The mourning, weeping woman is not like the hired one. Do not be surprised when Islam honors the mother and makes Paradise under her feet.
Imagine, after all this, when you would say to yourself, "It's just education," and you would put it aside after asking a question of inquiry and amazement, while your word needs a thousand amazements. All these pillars of human upbringing have become the prevailing culture that it comes as it pleases, and they are drinking this heedlessness daily from our behavior. One of the sisters commented on the episode "The Woman and the Search for Self" saying: "I consider myself a victim of this thinking. My upbringing was like this: just remember, meaning just study, we do not want from you except to focus on the book to achieve the highest grades and enter a distinguished college. I entered, then I got married without any foundation or education on how to manage the house or deal with the husband or raise children. On top of all this, a killing sense of guilt because I did not complete postgraduate studies after university. The family conveys messages that your value is in what you have reached in terms of position and what you have achieved in the field of work, but your home is an achievement that all women do, it does not matter how or the result, the important thing is that we are proud of you."
As for your home, it is an achievement that all women do, the important thing is that we are proud of you. Another comment was that her husband neglects her: "Why are you not like so-and-so who works and brings money? The house and children, all women have them." Imagine how much they have worked on us until the phrase "a woman's work at home" has been distorted in our minds and confined to inanimate objects like the vacuum cleaner, washing machine, broom, and refrigerator.
When we constantly hear about children, some of whom are from families classified as committed, becoming atheists or inclined to deviance, and their parents are surprised, what are they surprised about? Did you fortify your children and surround them with your advice as commanded by our Prophet, peace be upon him? Or did your enemies sow in your children while you are heedless? They are our enemies who are harvesting.
You can say to the schools, how many of these goals are achieved? Or are they achieving these goals or destroying them except for whom Allah has mercy from a teacher here or a teacher there? As a practical application, if you go to register your son or daughter in a school, I hope you take with you a list of the twenty-one components of education that we mentioned and ask the school officials: "Can you tell me how many of these goals you achieve and what programs and methods you use to achieve them?"
For years, I discovered a case of two doctors in one of the major government hospitals in an Arab country. A cancer patient is prescribed medication, but in coordination with some of the nurses in the hospital, the doctors do not give the medication to the patient but sell it on the black market, and the patient is given an intravenous "normal saline," meaning water and salt. Is that not painful? What happens to the majority of Muslim children is the same thing; they need treatment for their humanity from ignorance and whims, but what is given in many educational curricula is normal saline, and in many cases, poison. And the parents consider that they have fulfilled their duty by sending their children to these schools. The most dangerous thing is not to leave the patient without treatment, but to introduce normal saline or poison into his body and make him and his family believe that you are providing treatment.
You may say: "But your talk about my role in education is unrealistic, as if you want every mother to be an expert in all these fields." I say to you, dear one, what is required of you is to build the foundation and set your child's feet on the right path, instill in them the motivation to learn and work with what they learn, and then your role is to assist and encourage them. A doubt has arisen in him that he heard, come, my son, let's search for the answer, and cooperate with him in identifying reliable sources and references and the people he listens to. Your daughter suffered from a psychological problem, come, let's consult a specialist. Your children are at the heart of your project.
The Role of the Father in Education
You might say, "I see that you have placed the burden of education on me, but what about the father?" First of all, it is not a burden but an honor. Education, purification, and building a human being are the functions of the prophets, peace be upon them, and the honor of the worker is equal to the honor of the work. Since the responsibility of providing financially falls on the man, along with the hours spent working outside the home, naturally, the time you spend with your children will be much longer, and you will have more opportunities for education. However, we must remember that education is a shared responsibility between the father and the mother, for a responsibility of this magnitude requires your cooperation.
In commenting on the episode "I am busy at home," some men objected, saying, "Do you want us to work hard and tire ourselves, then the woman sits pampered at home, doing nothing, but tells us to help her with the housework too?" Rather, we say to you, brother, we ask you to help her with the housework and reduce the demands to free her for the greatest task: building a human being. And you must assist her in this task as well, not neglect your duty in education under the pretext of "I work for you to earn your livelihood, the cost of living is high, and our days are difficult." Even the time you spend at home is not quality time where you are mentally devoted to your children but are preoccupied with them by the mobile phone, communications, and other necessities of leadership that we have discussed.
The father should be a role model in the house in balance and giving everyone their due, and thus he bears the primary responsibility for achieving that. And the Prophet's, peace be upon him, saying about those who did not advise their flock, "He did not find the scent of Paradise," is directed to you as well, O man. And there are roles in the upbringing of children that only you can fulfill, by what Allah has favored some over others, and it is very burdensome for the woman and unjust to demand it of her. So, you must lead the education project and remove its obstacles.
The journey of raising children truly begins with the choice of the wife and the husband who shares with you in achieving the greatest goal as we mentioned. But we say to you, O noble one: suppose the father did not fulfill his role in education, you asked him and reminded him of Allah, but he does not respond, will you leave your children? If the father did not take the children to the polio, measles, smallpox, and other vaccinations, will you say he fell short, so I will not bear the burden alone? Or will your mercy drive you to take them? Is not your child's soul and spirit more important? "Turn to your soul and complete its virtues, for you are a human being by the soul, not by the body." It will not be an easy task, but you will clear your conscience before Allah, and perhaps you will seek help from educational counseling such as centers and beneficial courses and good company, to help fill the gap caused by the neglectful father and assist you in the task.
Self-Education for the Mother
You might say, "But honestly, I myself am lacking in many of the meanings and components of education that you mentioned, so how can I raise my children on it, and one who lacks something does not give it?" True, we need to be educated on these components first, then educate our children on them, and this is a lifelong journey that requires continuous learning, tremendous effort, and reliance on Allah. Generally, what we disseminate in articles and series is an attempt to build the educational components mentioned in ourselves, whether in the Journey of Certainty or in the Woman series or in the Quranic Evidence Competitions or others, in addition to series and books we will refer to for virtuous educators that fill the gap and give a roadmap. What we are trying to reach is only the alphabet of life that we should have learned starting from our early years.
The solution begins with the importance of building a human being. We are now waging a battle to restore psychological balance, liberate the soul, the self, and the innate nature, and revive the goal. However, the beautiful thing is that you will discover, as you educate your son, that you are educating yourself. Your soul is between your sides, you do not see it, but you will see its flaws and tricks and the beauty of the results of its education. You see all of that in your son and daughter. As if it is from the wisdom of creation and the way of life that in the journey of education, we discover ourselves, we discover the beauty of the human soul that Allah has given us, the beauty of sowing seeds in it, watering it with the water of revelation, harvesting the results, and the beauty of liberating it from occupation. And you can see the feeling of this beauty in the comments on the episodes from brothers and sisters who have tasted the sweetness of discovering the Sharia and discovering themselves by the grace of Allah.
Education Between Simplicity and Complexity
You might say, "But should not the matter of education be simpler than that? Is not every child born on the innate nature? Did the first Muslim generations need all this complexity?" We say to you, O noble one: one of the most dangerous things that happened to Muslims when the military occupation withdrew from their lands is that they thought they were independent because they no longer saw enemy soldiers roaming the streets, and therefore they do not realize the psychological, intellectual, spiritual, and moral occupation they are living, so they do not seek liberation. As one of them expressed eloquently: "And I say all our countries are occupied, whether the enemy has left or settled. What benefit if our land is independent and the souls and bodies are occupied? My homeland will return to its homeland if the human being returns to it with the human being."
My homeland will return to its homeland without effort in the right direction. Souls proud of revelation, trusting it with absolute trust, detesting the past ignorance and the surrounding ignorances, despising them, closing their doors to the hearts, and re-examining all their traditions and judging them by the Rabbani standards. It is occasionally afflicted by temptations of ignorance, but it realizes that it is ignorance and struggles against it and gets rid of it. It commits sins but realizes that they are sins. While today's newborn is born on the innate nature, but the soft occupation system does not delay in covering it, cracking it, alienating it psychologically, intellectually, and morally, and drowning it in a continuous stream of temptations and doubts, confusing the truth for it with falsehood, and the magnets of slavery to Allah and the one who gathers the scattered are not present, so the process seems difficult because we make the scattered self that is attracted to the preachers at the gates of hell. The Quran was understood, causing its eloquent effect on the souls, and now its understanding by the general Arabs is difficult.
Your role, O noble one, is to remove this rubble from the innate nature of your children and set before their eyes the goal that gathers their scattered selves and bring them closer to the revelation.
Fear of the Future and Hesitation in Procreation
You may say after what I mentioned: "I fear for the future of my children, and I even hesitate to procreate in the first place." We say to you: It is Allah's decree for this Ummah to be the dominant one in the end. The prophesied conquest of Rome, the entry of Islam into every home, all of this will be accomplished by the progeny of the Muslims. The Muslims will not perish, and people from another planet will not come to support the religion. The prophecies of our Prophet, peace be upon him, aim to instill this tranquility in our hearts and to make us know that we are striving in our turn and handing over the banner to our children through their good upbringing so that they may complete the journey of victory. "And the end is for the righteous."
The most dangerous thing that happens in the upbringing of children, dear sister, and the main reason for their loss and turning into a source of misery for the parents is the forgetfulness of the parents of these meanings, forgetting that the children and their upbringing should be part of the project to achieve the great goal: worship of Allah. The young man and the girl get married, they have children because people have children, no more, and sometimes to enjoy the instinct of fatherhood or motherhood and to be comforted by the sound of children in the house, then what? Nothing. You seek what your soul desires and enjoy more than performing your family duty, and you seek to achieve yourself and draw a story of your success far from the children.
This type of parents will find themselves colliding with their children, they will see them as an obstacle in the way of their ambitions or hobbies, because these children are not part of their ambitions. He will become angry and annoyed when they take his time because they hinder him from achieving his projects of which they are not a part. This anger and tension doubles the failure in upbringing. Children who are lost between parents who do not find joy in their upbringing will start causing problems, and their relationship with you, parents, will become tense, and they will even become a source of tension in your relationship as a couple, each of you blaming the other for being the cause, and each of you putting the heavy burden of the children on the other, and your children will look and dig into their chests how you deal with them as a bothersome burden, instead of enjoying their closeness.
Here, what do many parents do? They offer the most dangerous bribe to the children, they provide the children with what they desire even if it is harmful to them, and the tongue of the father or mother says: "My son, I am busy with you, do not take much of my time and mind. What do you want? Food? Take sweets even if they are harmful. Take extra pocket money even if it is corrupting. Take a mobile, tablet, iPad. Take Xbox, PlayStation. Take whatever you want and leave me, do not bother me." Needles to sedate the soul of the child that screams from ignorance and spiritual emptiness, demanding what harms her and does not benefit her.
One of the sisters commented on the previous episode saying: "My husband is kind and committed, but he does not contribute to the upbringing of his children except by fulfilling their desires, pleasing them, and playing with them so that he does not feel inferior to other children as he says. And for how long will the child be attracted to entertainment and pampering, and will be averse to commitment and hard work that I represent?" We say: Yes, dear sister, continue with varying the methods and mixing what you do with kindness and showing concern, and ask your dear husband to attend the episode as well, and for you, by the permission of Allah, there is a great reward for your patience and struggle.
Destructive Concern and Balance in Upbringing
On the opposite side of neglect, there is destructive concern. The danger is that if we tell a woman to take care of her children and do not explain how this concern should be, she will think that burning her nerves for them and her psychological attachment to them is the required concern. And she will think that emptying them of study without involving them in household duties and reciting lessons to them and screaming at them to do their school assignments and bearing their responsibilities for them even at the level of arranging the bed and killing their ability to be independent is concern, and that she has thus fulfilled her duty towards them and more. And in reality, she is discharging the charge of feeling responsible in the wrong place completely, harming herself and harming them and considering that she is doing well.
When our goal is worship of Allah, this concern will take the right forms in building the human being, otherwise, the concern will be harmful. I want my son to succeed in his life, what is the concept of success? What are the criteria for success? If you want to help your children in their studies, love them for knowledge, teach them how to organize their schedule, how to think about issues of this kind, how to analyze and connect, not in the way of "come, I will recite to you" which is the most famous phrase in our educational culture, then let them bear the responsibility for their shortcomings in their duties, and do not let that spoil your relationship with them or charge the atmosphere of the house with tension and screaming.
One of the most important principles of raising your children as a mother is that you give up your harmful mercy and interventions and become more rational, calm, and caring for yourself, not that you are a burning mother suffering from tension and anxiety under the slogan of concern for the children, your nerves are tense and ready, psychologically drained, quick to explode with them and with the husband. How many women after childbirth and after their children grow up a little become only a mother and not a wife, her relationship with her husband becomes tense, and her children, who are supposed to have burned for them, see a failed mother in her relationship with herself, with her husband, and with them, burned and tense. Thus, the mother draws for her sons and daughters a miserable picture of life and the family institution, so they are averse to lawful marriage and even to Islam, which legislated it, encouraged it, and prohibited its alternative, and the sons and daughters seek emotional satisfaction in unlawful relationships because they do not want to repeat the experience of a failed marriage.
The slogan "Be a candle that burns to light the path for the children" is a wrong slogan. Our religion teaches us "And to yourself you have a right," so give everyone their right. If you burn, you will not enlighten the lives of the children, but you will blacken their lives with the ashes of this burning. Do not burn, but enlighten their lives with your balance and tranquility. Give yourself your right according to the circles of priorities that we have talked about. Relax with yourself and relieve her, then relax with your husband and give him his right, and then the affairs of your children will be right by the permission of Allah. Do not hang your success on the success of your children in what the society imposes in terms of standards such as school education, university degree, and marks. Do not be preoccupied with others and their opinions and the image of your children before them at the expense of yourself and your share of good, and that Allah is first in your life and the life of your children. Be a model of balance and happiness, as this helps your children to achieve real success in religion and the world and that they also establish balanced and happy families.
Dealing with Educational Frustration
Alright, I have made worshiping Allah the goal of my life, and I am interested in guiding my children and their worship of Allah and their hereafter. Or perhaps I have become aware of these meanings after my children have grown up, and I have tried to make up for what has been missed. However, my children do not respond, and I now feel frustrated and a failure, which hurts my soul. Here, the Sharia comes to set boundaries and prevent this concern from overshadowing your concern for yourself. It prevents you from burning yourself with sorrow for them and reminds you that the Prophet of Allah, Nuh (peace be upon him), could not save his son, and the decree of Allah is final. So, let not your concern for your son or daughter overshadow your concern for your own salvation.
If a mother's son or daughter goes astray or lives a life of heedlessness, it is upon her to review herself and think about the reasons, and strive to make up for what has been missed and improve what remains as much as possible. However, without frustration and with great caution that the devil may enter her heart through the door of self-accountability and then exaggeration in self-flagellation.
You may say: "I am convinced intellectually with what you say, but emotionally I do not find myself with my husband and children, but rather in voluntary work or educational work or even missionary work. Are these not noble goals?" We say to you, dear one: Our religion teaches us that one of us does not work only what he enjoys, but what is required of him. And it is from desire that you deviate from the scale of priorities and put what your soul loves above what Allah loves, even if what you love is obedience. And this is from the meaning of Allah's saying: {And as for he who feared the position of his Lord and restrained the soul from desire, then indeed, Paradise is the [eternal] home.} (Quran 79:40-41)
The Sharia of Allah, which commands you to raise your children and strive against your soul in that, if you do not find pleasure in this care and upbringing, is the same Sharia of Allah that commands your son to take care of you when you are old and strive against his soul, even if he does not find himself and his pleasure in serving you and meeting your needs, and finds that boring for him, and even if he wants to be preoccupied with you in obedience. Our Prophet (peace be upon him) said to Mu'awiyah al-Salami, who came wanting to go out for jihad with the Prophet: "Woe to you, stick to your mother, for therein lies Paradise." (Sahih al-Bukhari 5972) Jurayj the worshipper was tested by Allah because he occupied himself with his prayer over the call of his mother, as in al-Bukhari and Muslim. Awais al-Qarni was prevented from attaining the honor of migration to the Prophet and his companionship by his mother's right and her service. The actions mentioned in these authentic hadiths: jihad of seeking knowledge, voluntary prayer, migration, are among the noblest of actions. But Allah has given precedence to the right of the mother, and perhaps their owners were among those whom their mothers depended on.
Allah, who commands you to raise your children and achieve your worship in that, is the One who commands them to honor you when you grow old and achieve the glory of their worship in humbling themselves to you: {And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, "My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.} (Quran 17:24)
And we have a lesson in what happens to the elderly in Europe with the coronavirus pandemic and what they are subjected to in terms of neglect. And I am certain, sister, that if you put the love of Allah above the love of yourself and practice building the human being with these great goals and on sound educational foundations, then the campaign will turn into pleasure and self-satisfaction and respect for the self more than any other pleasure you can achieve.
The Great Fruits of Education
Do you know, dear one, the meaning of upbringing? A long journey that requires patience, for it is the building of the human being who deserves eternity in the company of Allah instead of being fuel for Hell: {O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones.} (Quran 66:6) Your son and daughter are a protection for you from the Fire: "Whoever does good to one of these daughters, then he is a shield for him from the Fire." Your son and daughter are a beneficial extension for you after your death: "Indeed, Allah raises the degree of the righteous servant in Paradise, and he says, 'O Lord, from where is this for me?' He says, 'Because your son sought forgiveness for you.'" And he and she, with all this, are a comfort to your eye in this world if you have raised them well.
A journey that is not easy, but its fruits are very great. You may stumble sometimes, the burden may become heavy on you sometimes, but: {And those who strive for Us - We will surely guide them to Our ways. And indeed, Allah is with the doers of good.} (Quran 29:69) Allah is with you, making up for your deficiency and aiding you: "So straighten up, approach, and give glad tidings." A great position, so when the questioner asked: "O Messenger of Allah, who is most deserving of my good companionship?" He said: "Your mother." He said: "Then who?" He said: "Your mother." He said: "Then who?" He said: "Your mother." He said: "Then who?" He said: "Your father." {And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and to parents do good. If one or both of them reach old age in your care, say not to them a word of contempt, nor reprimand them, but speak to them a noble word. And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, "My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.} (Quran 17:23-24)
And peace be upon you and the mercy of Allah.