Women and the Pursuit of Self-fulfillment

Peace be upon you We find her rushing out as usual Where to, young lady? "To the university, to work, to the job market, to the media..." What do you want from all that? "I want to prove myself." Prove yourself to whom? "To myself, so that I can respect myself!" How? "With success in my studies and work." What will that prove? "That I am not beneath my peers in intelligence, determination or productivity." Well, who said that these are the correct standards to evaluate your success as a woman? Who said that productivity is only occupational or career-oriented? "These are the standards recognized by everyone." So, you are proving yourself to people according to their standards! "Well, my view of myself is bound to be affected by how people view me!" Are you truly successful and strong if your view of yourself depends on how people view you and whether they recognize your success? Does your happiness hinge on your success according to standards set by others? Do people have the right to determine whether you're successful or not? Are their standards the absolute truth that you need to worry about? What if their standards change —as they do from time to time— will you then try to succeed according to the new standards? Can you maintain your psychological well-being if you do so? What if you cannot prove your success according to their standards? "Oh, I would feel like a loser!" What if you were smart and determined but you were mistreated by society or the job-recruitment system? Or someone else was hired because she was 'prettier', not more qualified? Would you still feel like a loser? Why is your life held hostage by people's opinions? Is your goal in life to please people? In fact, have you ever thought about your goal in life? Have you thought about who you are? Why you're here in this life? What you really want? When you set your own goal then 'finding' and 'proving' yourself will automatically follow because you will find them in the achievement of your goal Don't you, as a Muslim, have goals that distinguish you from others? "But I want to prove myself without going against my religion. I go to school and work in my Hijab (Islamic attire)." This is a superficial Islamization for a foreign concept; like an external seal of approval without considering the roots of the concept The prime issue is not what you wear but what motivates you to such actions and the values and standards through which you evaluate matters Self-fulfillment in the West is based on their view of life: an individualistic view that ignores Allah, what He decreed as goals and roles for people, and the accounting in the Afterlife! It is associated with their social and cultural contexts and their definition of happiness and success As for us Muslims, we are a nation with its own goals, standards, values, definitions, and view of the universe and life Thus, we do not seek self-fulfillment outside the purpose of our existence: "Say, 'Indeed, my prayer, my sacrifice, my living and my dying are all for Allah, Lord of the worlds.'" (Quran Translated Meaning 6:162) My whole life is worship I aspire to achieve success within my servitude to Allah with the absolute conviction that it holds the keys to my happiness and success I believe in the promise of Allah, that can be translated as, "Whoever does righteous deeds, male or female, while being a believer, We will surely grant him a good life..." (Quran 16:97) On the other hand the Western concept that deifies Man and his lusts and rejects servitude to Allah qualifies Man for Allah's words which can be translated as, "But whoever turns away from My Reminder will have a miserable life...” (Quran 20:124) Didn't your Creator —Glorified is He— Whom you believe in, set ultimate goals? He says, what can be translated as, "Let those who strive, strive for that." (Quran 83:26) He gave you the roadmap to achieve these goals After this, who has the right to set standards for success and its priorities: people or the Lord of all people? He created you and them, He provides for you and them, in His hands is your happiness and theirs; your sadness and theirs, and to Him is your return and theirs What if people's standards are corrupt? What if you can't achieve their view of success except by angering the Lord of Mankind? By contrast, what if you are both successful and dutiful to your Lord with deeds that no one witnesses except Him —Glorified is He; deeds done in secret because they aren't intended to prove anything to anyone Would such deeds go to waste? Would they fail to improve your self-esteem and self-respect? If all this does not concern you and you insist on pleasing people; do you think that your only loss will be in the afterlife and that you'll achieve happiness and serenity in this life? Or will you be like the ones mentioned by Allah in what can be translated as, "And do not obey one whose heart We have made heedless of Our remembrance, who follows his desires and whose affair is at loss." (Quran 18:28) So, your life would collapse, you'd lose your serenity, displease your lord, and wreck your relationship with others; as we saw in the episodes on the Western woman Which is right: To value yourself irrespective of people's perceptions or to make them the judge?! To set a steady goal or a shifting goal which requires constant adjustments?! To assess yourself using a Divine and Just scale or a narrow human perspective?! To focus your heart on pleasing Allah or scatter it among different viewpoints? To purify yourself and strive to stay steadfast on the Right Path or submit to your whims and weakness? You might say, "Does this apply differently to men and women? "Is this only required from women, and not men?" No, it applies equally to both men and women; to myself, to Du'a (callers to Islam), to instructors and all people This is why those concerned with Da'wah (call to Islam) must nurture their relationship with Allah so that they can address people with a strong spirit and provide people with what they need; not a fragile spirit which needs to prove itself to others and and lets people's praise determine its self-view such that the du'ah tell people what they want to hear, not what they need to hear: in the 'commercial islam' style! All the above is addressed to both men and women However, a woman suffers more than a man if she doesn't follow her religion When she goes out into the world with wrong concepts wanting to prove herself to others according to imposed materialistic and capitalistic standards she is exposed to humiliation and exploitation as we saw in the episode "Liberation of The Western Woman" Thus, the woman needs to strive more for self-purification so that she ventures out — if she wishes— with a fulfilled giving spirit not a hungry one that needs to be filled with the appreciation and affection of others She ventures out strong and self-sufficient as Islam's Qiwamah (authority, responsibility and protection) and good parenting has met her needs She's not a fragile needy person subject to exploitation in a time of rising injustice of the strong toward the weak; men and women because Islamic values have been replaced by materialistic values A woman needs to dignify herself to interact with people according to her rules which are derived from her religion not the rules imposed by politicians capitalists, those who enslave people or those who do not respect her religion You might say: "I am not interested in proving myself or anything of the kind, I just want a degree and a job for the future, so as not to depend on anyone, I might not get married and even if I do, I don't want my husband to abuse my financial dependency on him." Or you might say: "I work because, as a divorcee, I need the income to spend on myself and my children or even on my parents." This is a topic that we will discuss later, Allah willing But, what we will mention in today's episode is essential for all men and women; whatever our motive for work and success might be When a Muslim woman distinguishes herself through her Islamic identity, sets her goals to achieve servitude to Allah in its comprehensive sense, and sets her heart on this path; this means her adherence to the priorities and roles set by Islam for her well-being and the well-being of her society in a perfect balance that protects everyone's rights Thus, there are levels of success for a woman: Success in the basics, the supplementals, and the exceptionals First: Success in the basics These are the individual duties of every woman including 1- Her pure monotheistic relationship with Allah, avoiding any breach of this Monotheism by submitting to Allah's guidance in all her affairs, and performing her duties 2- Her relationship with herself by accepting and loving herself and striving to do good and avoid evil 3- Her role in the family as a daughter, wife, mother or sister 4- Seeking the knowledge that will help her perform her duties in all this Success at this level is a MUST for every woman, without exception! The beauty of Monotheism that our Prophet, Peace & and Blessings be upon him, was sent with is that the success of the woman in these core basics: her relationship with herself and Allah, is easily attainable The Prophet, Peace & Blessings be upon him, expressed this well: “If a woman observes the five times of prayer, fasts in Ramadan, preserves her chastity, and obeys her husband... She will be told, "Enter Paradise from any of the gates of paradise she wishes." (Sahih Ibn Hibban) Yes, she has duties beyond that in self-purification and duties towards parents and kids Success in all of this is a great thing but it's only easy for those to whom Allah grants success Therefore, she reads in her prayer: "You (alone) we worship and You (alone) we ask for help." (Quran Translated Meaning 1:5) The man, by the way, is assigned the same priorities He is required to give priority to himself and his self-purification then to his family All of this is within the first level of success: in the basics! "O believers! Protect yourselves and your families from a Fire..." (Quran Translated Meaning 66:6) "Start with yourself, then with those who depend upon you." (Al-Mughny) However, the man has additional roles since he is entrusted with care for the woman as a father, husband, brother or son He's entrusted with her protection, required to spend on her, meet her needs and provide housing for her and his children. His duty is to spend on them and protect them His success in that is success in the basics and his neglect of that is a sin Thus, the priorities of men and women are the same However, their specific roles —as decreed by the Creator— are different to suit their different natures What is important for a woman to know is that, if she is successful in the basics then she should feel satisfied and value herself irrespective of proving herself to others She should value herself because she achieved the purpose of her creation and proved herself in the way her Lord loves to herself and her family who truly need her as she truly needs them This is the most important arena for competition If you succeed in this then you get a full mark Meaning: You do not need to pursue further success, your 'self' is not lost for you to find, nor are you a nobody to prove yourself; if you succeed in these basics! The second level of success is the woman's direct contribution —without an intermediary— to the public good; as a teacher, doctor or any other role that suits her nature We call it 'contribution without an intermediary' because, when a woman performs her family role the man's every success is her success They are a united team that aims to elevate the word of Allah, achieve economic independence for the Ummah, and fulfill the role of vicegerency for the empowerment of Muslims The woman supports the man in this mission, provides an environment of psychological stability and productivity, and raises a successful generation. Thus, their success is hers! If a Muslim woman frees herself from the capitalistic mindset then her job within the family unit becomes no less important than the job which she does publicly In Islam: “Actions are but by intentions..." (Al Bukhari) The Lord of mankind alone has the right to set standards and He has made: 'supporting a job' the same as doing it, the one who guides to good as the one who does good, and the woman who supports men in righteousness and protects their back by caring for the home and family equally deserving of the reward! Allah sees her actions and rewards her While in the materialistic system a woman is required to prove herself; with numbers! What if a woman is able to perform her duty in the basics and wants to work outside the home in a field suitable to her nature and work conditions permissible in Shari'a with the permission of whoever has Qiwamah over her? Great! In some cases this is a communal obligation; a form of vicegerency on Earth and servitude in its comprehensive sense However, success in this level is possible only for a subset of women and is not obligatory for all women Thus, if it is done by some women the general benefit is achieved and those who achieve this success don't do it to prove a lost 'self' but to fulfill a real need! Where is the problem then? The problem is when 100% of women are expected to achieve success at this level! Confusion and an imbalance in priorities results when the societal culture is that forcing all women into such fields —in both education and jobs— is the only standard for success! The problem is that the globalization of education and information tears down the borders between the Islamic Ummah and other nations, for the benefit of politicians and capitalists who incite—like demons— the feelings of failure and inferiority in women Then they promote their materialistic evaluation standards as a replacement for Allah's Law! All this comes with utter marginalization for her success at the basics: building a balanced sound female personality with serenity and confidence who is reconciled with herself, self-appreciating, and successful in her relationship with her Lord and in performing her family role; that only she can perform They marginalize all that and even work on destroying her psychologically at this basic level They distort her relationship with her Lord and herself and emotionally charge her with their perverted TV series, songs and movies At the same time, they distort the concepts of family and lawful marriage, instill —in her— a sense of rivalry with her male guardians and ignore women's many successes in the basics: in family relations and parenting Then they tell the woman, "Come to university and work, and rid yourself of feelings of inferiority and failure." The girl goes out to study and work in a fragile, anxious, and lost state Work becomes a goal for which she sacrifices herself and her faith, her failures increase in the basics, and her job becomes a source of humiliation and enslavement by politicians and capitalists as she works in job conditions dictated by them, follows their rules and seek her 'lost self' with them; as per their deceptions Consequently, women suffer while those who incited them to enter these fields marginalize their pain and the problems faced by women in these fields: physical, psychological, familial and societal problems so that they can continue to trap more victims into this whirlpool The problem occurs when a girl attempts to succeed in the supplementals —which are not required from all— when she has failed in the basics So, she embarks into the work environment without fortifying herself and without a clear vision, specific standards, or correct motives; thereby harming her 'self' and seeking it in the wrong place She may marry and have a family while she is thus; producing more individuals —like herself— for the Ummah! Here many women and girls might say, "But I can combine two levels of success at the same time: in the basics and at work." I won't answer you with future expectations but with evident reality What is the real-life result of such a conviction? When the woman enters the typical work cycle: 8 daily working hours and what follows; does she have any energy left? What success in the basics are we talking about? Won't many of her basic duties become postponed wishes to be added to her 'to do' list while her duties at the office can't be delayed; as the months turn to years?! Don't we see the result in the women who carry more responsibilities than they can bear; who are mentally anxious, distracted, and feeling lost, guilty and dissatisfied with their efforts in almost everything? In the resulting psychological and family problems for them and their children? In the family breakups which may not result in divorce but in coldness and bad relations that are worse than divorce?! Some women may be able to attain both levels of success But this is so rare that it can't become the yardstick, the standard in society, or the culture through which everyone is addressed So, imagine the results when the media tasks the woman with the third level of success: in exceptional things! Be a discoverer, an inventor, a media personality, a CEO! When such examples are presented as role models for all girls such that a girl compares herself to them and feels pained by her failure when she doesn't measure up! It's is unlikely that she can measure up as very few people are exceptional Image a girl occupying herself with this while neither she nor her role models have achieved success in the obligatory basics: the first level of success! The societal culture should be that a woman does not move from a level to the next before securing the prior level Otherwise, she is like a doctor who exposes himself to patients with different contagious diseases without protective measures —ignoring his weak immunity— then justifies this by saying that treating people is a public benefit! Yes, there were exceptionals in the Ummah like Khadijah May Allah be pleased with her who was —as we say nowadays— 'a successful businesswoman' who funded the call to Islam while being, at the same time a model of success in the basics The believing woman recalls the saying of her Prophet, May the Peace of Allah upon him, “Give to each his due.” (Al-Bukhari) and “...and she is responsible for her charge.” (Al-Bukhari) Thus, she will not prioritize what she is not obligated to do over success in her obligations She will not search for additional success when she has not fulfilled her duties; much like an indebted person loaning money to others! A woman who is successful in the basics might work from home or part-time (where she sets the rules) while maintaining priority and allocating time for the basics Or delay such work until she achieves sufficient character strength and her children become independent after she has fulfilled her duties and acquired experience and wisdom from parenting which qualify her for success in the supplementals She is in no rush because she is not fooled by the deception of those who incite the sense of inferiority and failure Once again: How does a man differ from a woman in that? He differs by what Islam has obligated upon him which is spending on the woman and children, protecting them, and providing housing and an honorable living according to the roles that Islam has specified His success in that is success in the basics and his neglect deserves a punishment Thus, we address men in the same way we address women: We tell them to abide by the priorities set by Allah The man should work to provide not to prove himself to others but to fulfill Allah Almighty's Command and to realize servitude to Allah in its comprehensive sense Thus, if a man immerses himself in work for the love of money, to prove himself, or compete with others at the expense of his wife and children and their rightful share of his emotions, time, and guidance then he is sinful like the woman who is too busy for the basics You might still have questions: "So, are you telling me this to convince me to marry and have a family instead of a university degree and work?! Is a woman expected to be a housemaid?! What if I don't see myself with a husband or children, but in voluntary work or education? Aren't these noble non-materialistic goals, according to you? You say: 'Raise children.' In other words: Be a burning candle to provide those around you with light! Aren't academic degrees and jobs protection for the woman?" We will answer all these questions in what will come next, Allah willing To recap what we said today: You are a Muslim woman with a distinctive character and goals so fulfill yourself by achieving these goals in the correct priorities This is true success! This is the real competition arena! From this, you develop a sound, stable, serene and confident female personality who is reconciled with herself, appreciates herself, is successful in her relationships, and pleasing to her Lord! Peace and Mercy of Allah be upon you.