Finding Yourself in Marriage
May the peace and mercy of Allah
be upon you
When we tell women,
"Do not run away from reforming
and purifying yourself
by going to college or finding a job",
they assume that we are saying:
"Sister, get married and stay home.
Take care of your husband and children,
may Allah grant you good health."
Absolutely not!
Just as we advised you not to
avoid self-reflection and reform
by running off
to college or work
we also don't advise
you to run off to marriage!
To the married woman we'll continue
to provide the keys for success
as a wife and educator
Allah willing
But for the unmarried woman, who
hasn't yet achieved the basic level
of success in her relationship with Allah
and herself —as previously discussed—
marriage is often an escape,
a lack of prioritization,
or a misleading path
for self-fulfillment;
just like the escape to college or work
before achieving success in the basics
By the way, the relationship with
the self is a loaded concept;
the importance and extent
of its meaning is often missed
Therefore, to be specific
a self-purification roadmap will be
recommended at the end of this episode
including a reading list
and useful videos, Allah willing
A woman who neglects self-purification
who is emotionally-charged by
Hollywood's romantic fantasies
that are produced under the influence
of global secularism;
this woman believes that her happiness
is in satisfying her emotional urges
as she lacks serenity in herself
and in her relationship with her Lord
At best, she will view marriage
as the Shari'a-sanctioned way
to fulfill her emotional needs
and achieve happiness
She enters a marriage
with this mindset
and with overly-inflated
and unrealistic expectations
then expects her spouse to fill the void
in her soul with Hollywood-style
romantic and theatrical scenes;
throughout their marriage!
The truth is that marriage
—even a successful marriage—
is not like that
After the initial pleasure
that accompanies any new relationship
familiarity along with the
responsibilities and requirements
of family life will take over
—not to mention the political and
economic hardship in our societies
which the husband cannot escape from—
However, in a successful marriage
affection and mercy last
But the woman who didn't achieve
the basics enters marriage
with an emotional void
and high unrealistic expectations
ingrained through the deceiving portrayal
of illicit relationships in the media
which we exposed in the episode:
Islam & "Beating" Women
So, the woman doesn't find
what she expects in marriage
but instead finds responsibilities
that she is not prepared to accept
Thus, marriage becomes a setback;
a burden that she must escape from
towards the arena of self-fulfillment
in the global capitalistic style
or through social media platforms
She searches for her lost self in the
'likes' and 'comments' from 'fans'
hoping that their flattery may fulfill
some of her emotional needs
which were not gratified by marriage
If her piety diminishes further
she might seek her self-identity
with a boss or a colleague
She fled from herself to marriage
and now she's fleeing
from herself and her marriage
to her studies, career,
social media, or illicit relationships!
If she has children, they'll be
lost and insecure, just like her
Marriage, dear viewers
is a response to innate instincts
instilled by Allah
for the continuation of life
But these instincts have been ignited
in our youth in a distorted way
which created mental problems
and psychological tensions;
such that these innate motives
became —in their view—
a problem that is solved
only by marriage
They expect marriage to be
a miracle cure for these problems
This mindset has become a societal culture
as we hear from parents
who hope that their son
will be reformed after marriage
under the slogan:
"He will mature with marriage."
What usually happens is
that each psychologically-unfit
partner holds the other back
while expecting to be rescued
by them!
Marriage is not an acceptable
way out of self-reform;
nor is it a mental institution,
a release venue for distorted emotions,
a solution to a manufactured problem,
or a way to realize romantic fantasies
Marriage, with its tranquility,
affection and mercy
is a blessing that Allah
has bestowed upon us
It is the basis of the family
which is the main stronghold
of our Ummah against Islam-haters
But, for marriage to be that way
we need to obey Allah in our
approach and preparation for marriage
Many of our young people
neglect this aspect
Their disregard for Allah's laws peaks
with their sinful acts on the wedding day
when —during the public
celebration of the marriage—
they demonstrate their failure
in their basic relationship with Allah
Then, after all that, they still expect
a happy joyful life filled with romance!
Yes, there are cases where the situation
between spouses improves
despite the lack of marriage
qualifications that we mentioned
However, this is the exception
which shouldn't represent the
social norm for the family unit
or become the justification to marry
and ignore self-purification
Before marriage, you need to purify
yourself, seek useful knowledge,
reach serenity in your relationship
with yourself and with Allah,
and set clear goals and priorities;
as discussed in the previous episode
You need a serene and confident
soul to be content and independent;
psychologically and emotionally
You need this even if
you're not destined for marriage
And you need it if you do get married
to recharge and spread the benefit
to your husband and children
The husband also needs to do the same
so that the marriage becomes a means
to achieve the righteous
predefined goals on your path
of servitude to Allah;
in its broad perspective
Then, when you succeed
at this basic level of self-purification
it becomes irrelevant whether
you're married, widowed, divorced
separated from your husband,
for any reason or he doesn't fulfill
his emotional responsibility towards you
If you work on purifying yourself
the joy in your self-sufficiency and
your success at these basics
which you apply in real-life
will far exceed any joy
from exaggerated fantasies
that you only find in a mirage
It is the greatest joy
and serenity achieved in this life
“We will surely grant him a good life”
(Quran Translated Meaning 16:97)
followed by eternal happiness
in the Hereafter
We aren't putting obstructions
on the path to marriage, but trying
to make it successful. We're not
expecting Ali's and Fatima's level of piety
—may Allah be pleased with them—
We know that the self
is often weak and falls short
But our young people need
a bare minimum of what we've discussed
and to train themselves on it
—before marriage—
They shouldn't say,
"Marriage is Sunnah."
while neglecting all other prior
obligations and Sunnahs
necessary
for the success of the family
Self-purification is a life-long journey
So, it is unfair to set
an optimal level of self-purification
as a marriage prerequisite and
pause the cycle of life until it's achieved
But, dear viewers, we
have been subjected to a
systematic 'instilling of ignorance'
The crisis in parenting, self-purification
and mental health is prevalent
in society, and can't be solved
through a short-lived battle cry
We aren't saying: "Stop marriage
until our young people are fully reformed!"
as the process of reform is long
But, we want to focus
heavily on self-purification,
understand ourselves, know
our ills and
weaknesses, as well as the reasons
for our distress and agony
then compel ourselves
to do good and
discard the bad habits and
negative attitudes that harm us
This journey of self-purification
must start long before marriage
A minimum effort is required in a spouse;
as important as the requirement
for the suiter to have a job!
Usually, young couples don't get married
until they have a place to live
—even if small—
with essential furniture
and living necessities
They may postpone
some other things
We say: You should have
the minimum requirement
of self-purification and maturity
which are essential
for a balanced life
You can then support each other
throughout your marriage
after firmly planting your feet
on the correct path before marriage
You have a clear common goal
that you both strive to achieve,
common values that you refer to,
and common priorities that you agree upon
Don't count on finding
the right path after marriage
This is exactly what
we're warning you about!
But, if you're already in that situation
the door to repentance
and to reform yourself
and your family situation
is open
Okay! Where do we start this journey
of self-purification that we all need?
Married or single men and women
are advised to read useful books,
watch videos and attend workshops such as:
"Daleelu ma' Nafsee" (A Guide to Myself)
by psychologist Abdul Rahman Zakir
which is rich and diverse.
We'll put its link in the description
The telegram channel "An-Nafs Almotmainna"
(The Serene Self) by brother Anas Krayyem
—who holds a double major in
Fundamentals of Religion and Educational
Psychology and helped me develop
the content of these episodes—
is recommended for its courses
We'll provide links
in the description below, Allah willing
Finally, some sisters may say:
"I am not searching for
my lost-self or anything,
I simply can't see myself
with a husband and children
I see myself in volunteer work,
education or even da'wah (advocacy)
Aren't these noble goals?"
We will answer this question
in the next episode, Allah willing
May the peace and mercy
of Allah be upon you