I am not the Housemaid
May the peace and mercy
of Allah be upon you
Is a woman required to be a housemaid
for her husband and children?
Are you trying to fool us with the
label: Educators of Generations
to sugarcoat our roles as housemaids?
As a woman, am I expected to
burn myself to light the path
for my husband or children?
Does Islam expect me to limit my life
to cooking, laundry, washing and cleaning
which exhaust my time and
energy to the point of fatigue
so I end up with no time to educate
myself, interact with my community,
or even fulfill my religious duties?
Am I required to cook for my
husband and children daily?
If I serve them bread and milk,
does my husband
have the right to blame me
for being negligent in my duties?
Is it ok for my husband to disdain
household chores and consider
washing his plate or doing
laundry an insult to his masculinity?
Can he blame me for
not picking up after him?
Do my young children —let alone
the adults— have the right
to live for their desires,
games and amusement,
create chaos
and turn the house into a mess,
while I wait on everyone?!
Is a girl required to serve her brothers
simply because she's a female
and they're male?
Is a woman obligated to serve her in-laws?
Are there cases where a woman
is forbidden to serve
her husband and children?
If the family is struggling financially,
and the wife needs to
work to help her husband,
doesn't he have to take on more
of the household chores?
Or is he within his rights to say,
'It's your problem; deal with it'
and expect his wife to play
all the family roles,
even at the expense of
her health and her rights?
The aim of today's episode
dear viewers
is to implement a peace agreement
among family members
"...So give glad tidings to
My slaves who
listen to speech and follow the best of
it." (Quran Translated Meaning 39:17-18)
We give them the glad tidings that
it will bring comfort to hearts
and help them set sail happily on
their family journey, Allah willing
We are not here today to whitewash
housework and convince you to do it
but to tell you that
the condition of Muslim homes today
is truly distorted and disappointing!
Let's look at the reasons so that we can
work together to rebuild our homes
The story starts as follows:
Allah created mankind for a purpose
If they work towards this purpose
they'll live a good life
otherwise their life will be miserable
If you ask any Muslim:
Why did Allah create you?
They'll reply, "For worship," and recite
Allah's words, which can be translated as,
"I have not created the jinn and mankind
except to worship Me."(Quran 51:56)
However, most Muslims
when they hear the word
'worship' picture a prayer rug
and a rosary
They don't think about the comprehensive
meaning of worship upon
which families should be founded
Servitude to Allah is a rope from Allah
"And hold firmly to the rope
of Allah all together
and do not become divided..."
(Quran Translated Meaning 3:103)
Holding on to this rope organizes
our roles, priorities and relationships
Everyone would work in harmony
like a magnet towards which
iron pieces align
Problems arise when this goal is lost;
roles and priorities become mixed up;
the major shared compass is lost and
everyone navigates with their own compass
The man says:
I want to prove myself
Naturally, the woman would then ask,
But, what about me?
He says: I want to fulfill my dreams
What about my dreams?
So desires diverge and the result is
division, conflict and the family breakdown
Family bonding starts with the common goal
of servitude in its comprehensive sense
Servitude in its comprehensive
sense means:
1- All that Allah loves in terms of
acts, words and intentions
2- Referring to Allah in all our affairs
and establishing His Law in our lives
3- Acquiring ilm to find out what He
wants from us and seek His pleasure
4- Pondering Allah's cosmic signs
to learn and master natural sciences,
fulfill the needs of our Ummah,
and work towards its empowerment
"...He has produced you from
the earth and settled you in it..."
(QTM 11:61)
5- Developing our Ummah economically,
industrially and technically
6- Finding solutions for poverty
7- A purposeful media
8- Discovering life-saving cures,
"...and whoever saves a life, it is as
if he saved the life of all mankind..."
(QTM 5:32)
9- Redressing the imbalance of power
10- Presenting the true religion
and preventing fabrications
"Thus We made you a balanced nation,
so that you may be witnesses
over mankind
and the Messenger a witness over you..."
(QTM 2:143)
11- Educating our children and
raising them as balanced, dignified
and strong humans
with a unique identity and clear goals
12- Defending the oppressed
and saving humanity
from enslavement by the global system,
"They are those who, if We
give them power in the land,
they establish prayer and give zakah,
and enjoin what is right and
forbid what is wrong..."
(QTM 22:41)
We have to focus on these major goals,
organize our time and
interim goals around them,
and keep our feet on the ground;
while our eyes looking towards the sky
and anticipating the breeze of heaven.
If our resolve weakens, these goals
will re-ignite our enthusiasm!
This is servitude in its
comprehensive sense;
a mercy from Allah to His worshipers,
"O My slaves, you can neither
do Me any harm
nor can you do Me any good."
(Hadith Qudsi, related by Muslim)
"Whoever accepts guidance,
it is only for his own good..."
(QTM 17:15)
Servitude to Allah is a rope from Allah
to prevent the family's tranquillity
from turning into misery
and the blessing of children
—who are supposed to be the joy of life—
from turning into a curse!
If we understand this introduction
dear viewers
we can identify the cause of the problem,
its solution, and the answer
to many questions
Any discussion about women's housework
or their role in general
that doesn't take this
introduction into account
would be incomplete
and may do more harm than good!
An example is the common question:
Is the woman required to attend to
her husband's and children's needs
such as cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.?
Our usual way to answer this question
is to address
the jurisprudential disagreement,
the sayings of Al-Shafi’i, Abu Hanifa,
Ahmad and Malik, and the preferences
of the scholars who followed
Wait!
Finish the question!
Is a woman required to serve a husband
who spends his time
fulfilling his desires,
disdains household chores,
and believes that he has
an absolute entitlement to her service
simply because he's a man
and she's a woman?
Is a woman required to serve her
children who live for trivial interests
—eating, drinking, and spending hours
on their playstation or movies—
and feel entitled
to their mother's service
as a natural part
of the sacrificial role of motherhood?
The clear answer to these questions is:
Absolutely Not!
Delving into
the jurisprudential disagreement
before studying the context
gives the impression that some of
the Ummah's acknowledged scholars
accept this distorted image
while in reality
their stature and nobility
makes them reject it!
Therefore, taking a
fatwah (ruling) out of
the context upon which
it was established
and applying it to our distorted
reality is 'ignorance' and
is in no way related to
fiqh (Islamic Jurisprudence)
On the other hand
if you ask:
Is a woman required to care for the home
in order to support a husband
who's working tirelessly to provide
a decent living for her and her children;
a husband whose goal is to satisfy her
needs, dignify her and protect her
from the global forces trying
to separate her from her guardians
and throw her out into a frenzied world
to suffer from what the Western woman
suffers from
in terms of lost dignity and honor
under the slogan of
'Women’s Economic Empowerment'?
Is she required to do housework as part
of a team working toward a great goal
with the help of her children;
whom she raised to be responsible,
self-reliant and caring for their parents
and supported by her husband
who does not disdain housework?
If you ask the question in this way
you don't need an answer
Rather, you will answer it yourself
Even though both questions ask
if the woman is required to do housework;
there is a vast difference between them!
You can now understand why
women doing housework
was not a controversial issue
in the past virtuous centuries
The jurisprudential opinion was that
housework was not part
of the marriage contract
Yet, it wasn't an issue
The woman found pleasure in supporting
her husband, caring for her home
and raising her son to be
a scholar, leader or warrior
She felt a sense of accomplishment
and service for her Ummah
and enjoyed her work instinctively
It was unimaginable —in view of the
common goal— for her to say,
"I don't want to do anything at home."
because it would be like saying,
"I don't want to live for a purpose.
but for my desires and passions!"
Or
"I want to pursue other things
and stop supporting my husband and kids
who are working to achieve great goals."
Housework has only become
a problem and a source for contention
when the common major goal was lost
and the concept of servitude to Allah
diminished in family life
You might say,
"All well and good
but my husband and children
are not as you describe."
It's your responsibility, Muslim woman
— so that you don't end up a housemaid—
to choose a husband who
shares these goals, as a start
If you are married, you need to
revive the goal for everyone
Women are known for their exceptional
ability to achieve the goals
they set their minds to
by dwelling on them
and maintaining their focus
such as when she wants
new clothes or a new furniture
Imagine if your goal was to revive
the correct goals for your family
and you had the perseverance and
patience to achieve these goals!
If your husband or children
aren't receptive and
they truly want you
to be just a housemaid
who serves them while
they indulge their desires;
or they're highly demanding;
or your husband demands
that you serve his family
—not out of good companionship,
kindness or courtesy—
but as an obligation
(as if it's your duty)
In this case, Allah doesn't require
you to do these tasks
Rather, He requires you to be
assertive with your children;
for your benefit and theirs
You may be patient with your husband;
hoping for a reward and a good outcome
and that your kindness may
improve his conduct
All the while, you're upholding
the basics we discussed
including your rights
and the rights of your Lord over you
Shari'a does not forbid you to do that
as long as it's your own choice
However, if you are tasked with
more than you can bear
and if doing these tasks is harmful
to your soul or body
or prevents you from the duties
that Allah has decreed upon you
such as prayer and
pursuit of necessary knowledge;
in this case
we won't tell you,
"It's okay
be patient, sacrifice, and be
the candle that burns to light
the path for others?"
No, it's not even permissible
for you to do that!
Here, we should rearrange the priorities
we discussed in
"Women & the Pursuit of Self-fulfillment"
You are your top priority
and it's the first thing
you will be held accountable for
"...you are accountable only for
yourselves..." (QTM 5:105)
"...protect yourselves and your
families from a fire..." (QTM 66:6)
You first!
It isn't permissible for you
to destroy yourself
and fall short in your
obligations towards Allah
for the pleasure of others;
even in the name of motherhood!
That will not benefit you:
"The Day when one will
flee from his brother,
and his mother and his father,
and from his wife and children.
On that day, everyone will have
enough concern of his own."
(QTM 80:34-37)
You, your husband, your children, and your
lives belong to Allah, Lord of the worlds
You don't belong to anyone for them to
consume your physical and mental health
or obstruct your success in
the basics for the sake of their
trivialities or lack of responsibility!
In a hadith related by
Bukhari and Muslim
our Prophet, Peace & Blessings
be upon him, said,
"Obedience is required
only in what is good."
But sometimes there is no
choice, it's not up to me.
I'm forced by a harsh husband
and my family
don't acknowledge me
or support me if I turn to them.
Aha! Then you know
that injustice is from people
not from Shari'a
Your conviction of that
is the beginning of the solution
When Shari'a has your back
you lean on it
and use it to address
your family and husband:
"We are all Muslims
so let Allah be the Judge between us."
Then you make your decisions
and consider your options
based on their response
and on what you can bear
Throughout this, you rely
on your Lord, Glorified is He
and trust in His Wisdom,
Mercy and Justice
Housework —in today's families—
is truly hard and repulsive
We are not here to embellish it for you
or throw the full burden on you
but to present its problems, work together
to fix them and redistribute the roles
There are five main reasons
why housework has become a problem:
1- The absence of a major
common goal
which results in
2- The parents' neglect in raising
children on filial piety,
sense of purpose and simplicity
This, in turn, results in children
with shriveled souls who live
3- A materialistic, demanding and
consumeristic lifestyle
4- Men's ego which often prevents them
from participating in household chores,
and finally,
5- The blurred boundary between justice
and graciousness;
such that a woman is obligated to do
things that are optional
(done out of grace and kindness)
These optional things are imposed on her
and she is considered
negligent when she doesn't do them!
But be careful, sister
It's not Islam that created these problems
but the absence of Islam
Islam set major common goals
that make the father, mother and children
share the housework happily
Islam also instructed parents
to raise children well
and children to be dutiful
and kind to their parents
Islam encouraged simplicity in this life
and discouraged indulgence
and excess consumption
and the household duties
it produces
Islam urged husbands to
participate in housework,
set clear boundaries between
being just and being gracious,
and gave the woman a choice
to accept or refuse the tasks
considered by some as her duty
while in reality, they are not!
When we violated Islam in all of this
household chores became a heavy burden
so it's only natural that you
don't find them fulfilling
What is strange is that
while the problems
and distorted relationships
were a result of moving away from Islam;
some started judging Islam
as the cause of the problems
that resulted from its absence!!
We previously discussed the major goals
The woman who prepares food
for her husband and children
and provides a clean and
comfortable atmosphere at home
would feel joy if it was for a higher
cause that everyone was working for
I know a good family
that lives a purposeful life
The husband is a university professor
in Computer Information Systems;
proficient at his job and
preparing for his professorship;
an author
in international research journals;
loved by his students for
teaching beneficial knowledge
and instilling Islamic values
Moreover, he strives to help
the poor and the widowed
His honorable wife studied —while
married to him— the ilm of Hadith
and achieved a doctorate
in one of its specialties
Her husband supported her throughout
They are also great parents
as evidenced by the harmony in the family,
their children's manners,
and their success in religion and life;
as far as we can tell
On International Women's Day
and in response to feministic calls
the esteemed doctor published
an article, in which she says,
"On this International Women's Day,
I admit that I love being a woman.
I still love to take care of my family
and cook what they love;
with a happy heart
I still like taking care of my home:
cleaning, laundry and folding clothes
I like to trim my little girls' nails
and supervise their lessons and
educational progress.
I still love airing my house,
deodorizing it and polishing the glass.
I still feel happy as I arrange the
shelves and coordinate colors.
I still love gathering my
family around me,
and being their refuge from
the harshness of this world.
I still feel a sense of
fulfillment and accomplishment
when I provide my husband with
a quiet atmosphere for sleep and rest.
I still feel content when my
husband is pleased with me.
I still love these details. Am I normal?!
Or is something wrong with me?!
All this doesn't mean
that I don't know my rights,
and it absolutely does not
mean that I don't have
academic or societal achievements."
Her husband publicly responded to her
on his account
with praise, gratitude and affection
This is something that we encourage
—if done tastefully—
to publicize good examples at a time
when the norm is to spread
negative examples
and put our youth off
marriage and building the family fort
The point here, dear viewers
is that the honorable sister
is working within the family
institution towards common major goals
so she enjoys housework
and finds fulfillment in doing it
The second factor which turns housework
into a problem is poor parenting
Our next episode will discuss parenting
Allah willing
But, with regards to housework
it's the parents' duty
to help the child set goals,
build his character, become responsible
and have a sense of identity:
You're a Muslim who obeys Allah.
You are dutiful and caring to your parents,
because you seek a reward and paradise.
They raise him to busy himself with
beneficial things; not trivialities
Parenting is by example before words
and it is a shared responsibility
between parents
These youngsters will help you
with the housework because
they were raised from childhood
to be responsible,
know their rights and obligations,
and look after themselves
and their belongings
However, they will not undertake
this obligation voluntarily
unless you are a constant presence
who's fully involved in their lives
Don't expect to see this in children
raised by a nanny or in nurseries;
while you're neglecting your
success in the basics
which include caring for your family
The woman who chose
not to be a parent
voluntarily chose to be a mere housemaid
especially if the husband
is also negligent in his parenting duties
A child whose mind and soul
were not nurtured by his mother;
who was not emotionally fulfilled by her;
who has a strained relationship with her;
will —instead of helping with housework—
overeat and over-sleep,
follow his whims and desires,
and watch silly videos
He will become a demanding consumer;
a burden instead of a supporter!
This takes us to the third problem:
Overconsumption and indulgence
in the materialistic lifestyle and
the additional household work this creates
In Sahih Muslim:
"Aisha, have you anything (to eat)?"
She said, "Messenger of Allah,
there is nothing with us.
He said, "Then I am fasting."
As simple as that!
Life goes on
even without a meal for that day
and it isn't the end of the world
if we eat leftovers!
A home where a problem
may erupt over a meal
is usually a home that lacks
a major common goal
4- The husband who disdains housework
Ponder the word 'disdains'
What's more important than
the physical exertion
this puts on the woman
is the psychological pain
when she feels that
her husband thinks it's his right
to dump his things
and use the house facilities
without bothering to help at all;
as if it's her duty to pick up after him!
We tell this husband:
Bukhari narrated that our mother Aisha
May Allah be pleased with her, was asked:
"What did the Prophet Peace & Blessings be
upon him use to do at home?" She said,
'He would busy himself serving his family,
then when it was the time for
prayer he would go for it.'"
In another hadith, she said, that he
Peace & Blessings be upon him:
"He was a man like other men.
He removed the fleas from his garment,
milked his sheep and served himself.”
This is while he is
the greatest man in the world!
You —husband— will never be busy
with anything greater than his concerns
Peace & Blessings be upon him
He didn't just do this once or twice
to avoid criticism
Rather, this is who he was:
"He would busy himself serving his family"
He, Peace & Blessings
be upon him, said,
"The best of you is he who
is best to his family,
and I am the best among
you to my family."
So no matter how busy you are, husband
do the most menial housework
when you have a chance
to please your wife and
teach your children
so that they and your wife know
that you don't look down upon these tasks
and that it's a just matter
of distributing roles and responsibilities
A sister commented on the episode
"Women and The Pursuit of Self-fulfillment":
"What makes all the housework and children
—and sometimes even the husband's family—
a woman's responsibility?
Aren't the home and children a shared
responsibility between the spouses?"
We say, dear sister
Shari'a doesn't oblige the women to
carry the full load, as discussed
At the same time, it is incorrect to say
that the home and the children are the
responsibility of both spouses equally,
"but moderately in between."
(Quran Translated Meaning 25:67)
For a family to form and continue
there are requirements and needs:
expenses, protection, housing, parenting
and the responsibility for the home
Expenses, protection and housing
are the husband's responsibility
Parenting is a shared responsibility
So who's responsible for the home?
Especially if the husband spends
his day on his responsibilities?
We say: The woman does what
she can of the housework
and the husband helps her
and completes what she can't do;
both driven by the affection, serenity
and companionship between them
It is not the Shari'a's intent
to designate housework to women
as an obligatory job
like prayer and fasting;
the neglect of which is a sin!
Rather, Shari'a aims to establish
care and kindness between spouses
You are the operations manager;
tracking the operations in your household
firsthand or through your children
who are your assistants
What's important is to establish
a minimum level of care, as discussed;
not according to the culture
of excessive consumption
Given all that
you now understand, sister
the majority opinions of scholars
that housework is not part
of the marriage contract!
The marriage contract is based on the
halal (lawful) instinctive
relationship between spouses
and on parenting;
if there are kids
The marriage contract doesn't include
housework as an individual obligation
on you specifically
At the same time
they don't say to the woman,
"Let the chips fall where they may;
it does not concern you!"
They acknowledge the general provisions
of obedience to the husband:
Whatever is halal and beneficial for
the household, without harm to the woman
becomes an act of good companionship;
if done to please the husband
What if the family
falls into financial hardship
and the woman has to work
to support the husband
with his permission
or even his urging?
Shouldn't he have more responsibility
for the housework?
Or does he have the right to say,
"It's your problem, deal with it"
then expect her to play all the roles
even at the expense of her
health and personal well-being?
In this case we say,
Shouldering some of the expenses
is a favor from the woman
as she's not obliged to spend
on her home and husband, as discussed
If she does it
she is doing him a favor
and he must help her
to achieve balance in her life
so that she can succeed in the basics
He must reciprocate her kindness
with kindness
The fifth problem related to housework
is the blurred boundary between
being just and being gracious
Marriage and family relations, in Islam
are based on graciousness
with each party giving more
than the required minimum to the other;
not stopping at the boundary of justice
and refusing to do more!
Islam doesn't appoint a household
policeman, accountant or judge, to say,
"This is your duty, husband
come tidy up here!"
"This is your duty, wife
go do this thing over there!"
Rigid lists and laws!!
Rather, Islam builds the home
on rules of kindness, affection and mercy
so that its members compete
to serve each other
But at the same time
Islam is a religion that
addresses reality
with its intricate details
and different states
It takes into account a person's
mood swings and fading resolve
So, the wife and husband may
do gracious acts for each other
but, they must both know
that it's out of graciousness
such that, if either of them stops
—for any reason, such as fading resolve
or because these favors
are impacting their success in the basics
including the relationship with Allah
or care for themselves—
then the one who stops
should not be blamed for stopping
or accused of negligence!
If they have a disagreement
they go back to the bounds of justice
and the minimum obligations
they have towards each other
Serving the husband's
family is a favor done by the wife
If your wife does it
then may Allah reward her
If she doesn't, you have no right to
be angry or accuse her of negligence
because it is not her religious duty
and Shari'a is the reference for you both
Whether you get angry or not;
your anger is irrelevant
and doesn't affect the
Judgment by her Lord!
Similarly, Should a sister tend
to her brothers' needs?
Again, the question is incomplete!
If the rest of the question is:
...her brothers who waste their time
on playstation and hookah
or watching sports?
then the clear answer is:
Absolutely not!
Islam did not make the female
a servant for the male
because of his maleness;
as some might think
Rather, if she was upholding
priorities and achieving goals
such as the pursuit of beneficial ilm
and care for the young
then the correct question becomes:
Shouldn't her brother, who neglects his
responsibilities and lives for his whims
tend to her affairs, do the
housework and serve her
so that she can do her work?
Forget his mustache and broad shoulders!!
If her brothers were fulfilling
their duties
and she wished to iron their clothes
or prepare their food
then it would be a kind gracious favor
If she's asked to do so
it should be as a favor; not an order
It shouldn't be anything
too hard for her to do o
or a distraction from her personal affairs
such as worship or ilm
For example, a girl is asked to help
her mother care for her young siblings
who will be lost;
if not nurtured
Thus, life in Islam is based on
charity, kindness and graciousness
In cases of dispute
we return to the bounds of justice
When your graciousness harms you
you know how to set boundaries
so you don't get lost
The woman is not required to dedicate
her whole life to serving the family
or drown herself by granting favors
to her husband, children or brothers
at the expense of success
in her relationship
with her Lord
and giving herself its due
Rather, "...give to each his due."
(Related by Bukhari)
Do not step out to the circle of favors
until you've mastered the
circle of fulfilling duties
The same thing applies to men
Just as much of what a woman is asked
to do are favors, not ordained by Shari'a
a lot of what the husband spends on her
is a favor not required in Shari'a
How many women think that their husbands
should provide enough
to keep up appearances
such as what happens on social occasions
This is not ordained by Shari'a
and he isn't negligent if he refuses
So, if the spouses agree on living their
life with grace, then that's a blessing
If they only want justice
then it isn't fair that one is expected
to be gracious while the other is
expected to provide minimum justice!
This is an important key for those
who seek to solve family problems
Otherwise, the mediation attempts
would be rejected by the spouse
who feels taken advantage of
A woman may be annoyed with her
husband and stop being gracious
and he might do the same
When these boundaries are understood
the most extreme reaction between
spouses would be to stop being gracious;
not fall short of being just!
Thus, they aren't negligent
and shouldn't be blamed
The problem is that when they don't
understand these boundaries
they react by abandoning
their obligation to be just
and they enter into a vicious cycle
of escalating antagonistic rivalry!
If we understand, dear viewers
that Islam is based on integration
not individualism;
on cooperation, not selfishness;
and that Islam unites hearts on the major
common goal of achieving
servitude to Allah
and bases family life on
graciousness and justice;
then we will understand the
prophetic commandments
that advise team members
on how to treat each other
and fortifies the family institution
against any external invasion
Our Prophet, Peace & Blessings
be upon him, who said,
"By the One in Whose Hand is
the soul of Muhammad!
No woman can fulfill her
duty towards Allah
until she fulfills her duty
towards her husband."
also said,
"Act kindly toward women."
Our Prophet who said to the
woman, about her husband,
“Look to how you are with respect to
him for he is your Heaven or Hell."
also said, "The best of you is
he who is best to his family."
Thus, he gauged the goodness of men
by their treatment of their wives!
This is Islam,
"Allah has given every person
who has rights his due."
If you understand all this
you will understand your Prophet's saying
Peace & Blessing be upon him:
"When someone whose religion and character
you are pleased with proposes to
one of you, then accept his proposal"
i.e. someone who shares the
major goal of servitude to Allah
will also share your priorities
and respects the boundaries
and distribution of roles
and responsibilities
And the young man will understand the
Prophet's saying, Peace be upon him
"...So choose the woman who's
religious, and prosper."
Choose the religious woman
who shares all that with you
so that your home is established
on a correct foundation
We will also understand the meaning of
Allah's words, which can be translated as
"...If you obey him, you will be
guided. The duty
of the Messenger is only to convey the
message clearly.” (Quran 24:54)
as well as:
"And the word of your Lord has been
fulfilled in truth and in justice. None
can alter His words, and He is the
All-Hearing, the All-Knowing." (QTM 6:115)
Peace be upon you